Wednesday 15 August 2012

Keeping Kids Safe // Everyone's Got a Bottom - Book Review



Lately I have been thinking about a topic preferably no parent should ever have to think about - protecting our children as best we can against sexual abuse.

I know.... ugh.

It makes my heart break and my skin crawl but unfortunately those feelings don't stop it being a reality in this broken world.

I have been doing some research on how best to talk to my kids about these subjects, what is age appropriate, what do they need to know to best keep them safe, and equip them without freaking them out, etc.

The best little online article on this topic that I came across that shares some information of what kids need to know and also at what ages is here. It is an easy and enlightening read, I highly recommend!

I, of course, have always taught my kids the correct words for private parts and also talked to them (well, it's mostly Lily at this age) about how they are private, and we don't touch other people's private parts or let people touch ours. But I wasn't sure how much further I needed to go and how explicit or 'warning' I needed to be - and my heart just cracked in two at the idea of seeing fear, confusion or a loss of innocence in my sweet girl's eyes. Horrendous to even think about. I'm not squeamish about talking about things that need to be talked about, but I hate the idea of robbing any joy or trust out of an innocent child. Ugh. This parenting gig can be hard!

I also felt torn because, much like the Free Range Kids philosophy, I don't want to cotton wool my kids, freak them out over unrealistic dangers or have them panic every time every time a stranger comes near. My kids have thus far never even met a stranger, as they consider every person they come across (whether dishwasher-delivery man or random dog-walker down the street) to be their new best friend who they want to introduce to their pet fish Greg, and do some colouring-in with. I love this! I want kids free to be kids! Happy, friendly, free to explore the world. And let's be honest, about 90% of abuse occurs by someone known to the family (yes.... shudder) so I don't want to overly teach the whole 'stranger danger' thing as it can be more detrimental than anything (hence they have phased this teaching out of schools now, thankfully).

Anyway.... I came across this quality Australian book called Everyone's Got a Bottom by Tess Rowley, put out by Queensland Family Planning and it came highly recommended (books available for kids on this topic are seemingly sparse) so I bought it and after pre-reading, read it to Lily tonight.





I have to say I was very happy with this book. It follows three kids (two brothers and a baby sister) learning about taking care of their bodies (brushing teeth etc) and talking about their body parts (using proper names) and which parts are private. They talk about how they have a family rule (because rules keep us safe) that no one has the right to see or touch those private parts or show us theirs, and if they do - that is rude and we should say no (even if it's someone we know and like), and we can always tell a grown up we trust if this happens. It has a running mantra throughout of 'From our head to our toes, we can say what goes'.

The book was frank, friendly and casual whilst also being specific and careful. It gave some great practical 'tools and rules' to kids and made me see that those basic guidelines are all kids really need at this age, there is no need to get into anything too explicit or scary - phew!

Lily enjoyed the book and I could tell she was intrigued by the subject matter. I tried to ask a few questions to gauge her understanding without giving the reading an air of ***important topic happening here***, if you know what I mean!! (Sure-fire way for kids to shut down!) We talked about who in our family has what body parts, and how God made our bodies so special and different. I asked her what she would do if someone asked to see her privates or showed her theirs and she gave a very emphatic 'No!! Please STOP!' (with hand held up!), I asked what she would do then 'Tell a grown up like Mummy and Daddy!'. Of course I pushed it by asking what she would do if they said she couldn't tell a grown up and she said very sweetly 'I'd ask - please can I tell a grown up?!'. Um!! It's a work in progress, anyway!

So then we had a chat about how no matter what someone else says, she can always tell Mummy and Daddy anything.... no matter what. We don't keep secrets in our family (only surprises which are nice things like parties and presents) and she can always talk to us, especially if someone makes her feel yukky inside or scared, or does something rude. She seemed satisfied with that and I was too - left it there for now, for fear of over doing it!

The book is aimed at ages 3-8 and has an excellent section in the back for adults on other ways to talk to kids, signs of abuse, and so on. If you are interested in purchasing a copy, the cheapest on line price I found was here.

I feel like the book will be a good resource and launching pad for conversation in our family. Just to read every now and then and open up discussion. Most of all, I aim for open, honest and frequent family conversation so that the kids know they can always talk to us about anything. This is obviously just the start of a life-long multi-faceted conversation. Of course we can't totally protect our kids (as much as want to!) but hopefully by giving them some tools about the rights they have over their body, to trust their instincts and to always know they can tell us anything, it will go some way towards equipping them in self-protection. And of course I fervently pray that these are skills they will never need to use.



Sharing is caring - please post below if you have any tips, advice, strategies or good book/internet/video resources!

16 comments:

  1. Kate, thank you for writing about this important topic and giving your review. I am completely with you on this one, I dread the thought of it but equally I dread what could happen if I failed to give my children the information and skills to deal with this horrible issue. I will be ordering the book as it is always good to have a starting point.
    A really good strategy that I used to teach (coming from the teaching program 'Protective Behaviours') was to help the students identify 5 trust worthy people in their lives. Some must come from within their family and some outside. These people become their "go to people" when they experience an unsafe situation. The students are taught that they start with the first person on their list and go through each member on their list until someone listens. Sadly, it is know that children's uneasy feelings aren't always listened to so this method encourages them to persist until someone listens and ACTS.

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    1. oh thanks for sharing your thoughts and hope the kids enjoy the book too amber - lily is requesting it every night since we bought it!
      thanks for that top about 5 Safe People - that is an excellent idea! I did try this initially w lily but she said she only wanted to talk to Mummy and Daddy!! Maybe an age thing, will keep trying to work on that as she gets older - heartbreaking but scarily true that even when kids DO get the guts to speak up, they can be ignored or not believed :(

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  2. Great post Kate! Beautifully written as usual. We have that book and it has been well read at our place. We have even started to use the mantra when overzealous relatives (well-meaning and perfectly innocent) want to lift up our big six year old to give him a cuddle. Eg. we encourage him to say he prefers a high five rather than sloppy kisses and cuddles.

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    1. thanks sarah - great to hear you kids enjoy the book too - such a great resource huh! YES on the kissing relatives thing - it can be a tricky one huh! Want to strike that balance between giving them rights for their own body (and not wanting to force physical contact they dont feel comfortable with) whilst also not wanting them to be rude or hurtful about it - I also suggested a high five, it seems a good back up :)

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  3. Well done, Kate. Such an important topic to discuss to protect and empower your children.

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  4. Kate - Thanks for posting the link. I was able to place an order to ship to the US! Thank you!

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    1. that is great caroline and thanks for reading - so cool you ordered to the US - enjoy the spelling of 'Mummy' rather than Mommy! :)

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  5. I was just thinking about buying that book for my little boy. He is not even 2 yet but loves to read stories. Do you think it would be suitable for this age?

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    1. hi there! at not quite two, he probably wouldnt get all the concepts, but it reads just like a nice funny story, so why not introduce it now and then he will just grow up being familiar w the concepts! my son was 2 when we got the book and he liked it too (and still does). hope that helps x

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  6. Hi Kate, do you mind posting the link to where to buy this book from as it doesn't seem to be working. It seems to be exactly what I need to discuss this dreaded subject with my daughters. Thanks so much!

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    1. Hi! sorry the link wasnt working for you - seems to be now - it's http://www.readings.com.au/products/4358645/tess-rowley-and-jodi-edwards-everyone-s-got-a-bottom

      Or if that doesn't work you could try googling it or looking through booko.com.au (prices compares). I hope it helps with your daughter, it is such a gentle introduction to a very difficult topic x

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  7. A great read, thanks! The book is also available at the Family Planning Qld site for $24.90 including postage.
    http://www.fpq.com.au/publications/teachingAids/everyones_got_a_bottom.php

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    1. Thank you, that is so good to know! A good price for a very valuable book, appreciate the link! x kate

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  8. I've been looking for a book that talks about this topic, so I am glad to have read your review. Thank you for sharing, I will be getting a copy

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    1. Oh, I'm so glad it helped! It is so hard to find a book on this topic that feels like it hits the right balance. i really hope it works well for your family xx

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  9. Looks like a good book for a tough topic! It can be so hard to talk to innocent kids about stuff like that.

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