Wednesday 28 November 2012

teasing, siblings, making things right

Today as I was getting Eli up from his nap, he started asking for the toy mobile phone he had been playing with earlier (what can I say, the kid has a lot of calls to make!). Lily was hanging out in his room but then ran to her room and came back with a different toy phone. She stood in the door with it and I was half-expecting her to sweetly give it to her brother but instead she started jumping around in the door way, holding the phone to her ear and provocatively calling 'Look, Eli, I'm playing with my phone! I have a phone and I'm talking on it, Eli!!' and so on. Eli, of course, wept!

Umm.... 

Yes, I have to admit I was a bit surprised to see her act that way towards her little brother! Not typical of her at all and I was genuinely saddened to see her 'rubbing it in his face' like that.

'Oh, Lily' I said gently and motioned her to come sit on my lap (where I had been sitting on the floor wrangling Eli out of his sleeping bag). I snuggled her into my lap and said quietly and gravely 'It sounded like you were just teasing your brother. Do you know what teasing is?' She did not. 'Lily, teasing is laughing at someone else in an unkind way. Like you were saying you wanted Eli to feel sad because you had a phone and he didn't'. Her face dropped in horror and then wrinkled up into a wail '.... But I love my little brother!!!" she wept. 'I know you do, darling' I said, hugging her close. 'You love him so much, and that's why it's important to remember to treat him kindly like you would want to be treated - that's what Jesus wants us all to do'. She flung herself on her brother and cuddled him and apologised, sniffling all the while.

In our family, when a 'wrong' has been done against another family member, rather than just getting the kids to toss a sorry at the person they hurt, we often encourage them (after seeking forgiveness) to think of a way of 'making things right' - an act of restitution and kindness that shows the contrition in their heart and helps restore the relationship. In this case, as well as giving Eli her toy phone, Lily had the idea all on her own to draw him a picture. And so she did. Sweet girl! When she presented it to him, he squealed 'Oh, wow!!!!' in utter joy at such a masterpiece just for him. Lily gave him a huge cuddle and when she then wanted to give a second, Eli said plainly 'No, dat's nuff!'. But then he offered up a kiss instead. Ha!


Oh my heart!! Totally melted when I saw the picture Lily did for E.
Above their names, she said the marks say 'I love you, my little brother and
I will come to your birthday party cos you are two years old'
Heehee!


Oh, children. I know these hurts and squabbles and issues are inevitable. Here in our home is a little training ground for a big wide world full of complicated relationships to come. Did I handle this situation perfectly? Eek - I don't know, I just did the best I could off the cuff and in that moment to reach the hearts of my children. They will fail each other, and us, just as we as parents will fail them. One of my goals in parenting these little people is just to skill them up in thinking about the messages they send each other with their words and actions and (importantly) to have the tools and humility to seek forgiveness and restore the relationship when they let each other down. Cos, hey, we are broken people and all hurt the ones we love. That's humanity for ya (thanking God for His grace!). If we can admit when we fail each other and be willing to make things right, I believe it goes a loooong way towards building and preserving strong relationships. That's love, grace, beauty and all that good stuff - in action! These are the things I want to build into the hearts of my children... one little block at a time.


Lily, I am so grateful for the tenderness, humility and kindness you showed towards your brother today! And your willingness to make things right after a little mis-step. God bless your precious heart and this most precious sibling relationship. 





11 comments:

  1. Oh Kate. You have no idea what an awesome job you are doing, do you?
    Seriously, I have a brother and two sisters (less than flour years between the four of us) and my mum worked long hours running a shop, so we basically raised ourselves in a 'survival of the fittest' kind of way. I'm talking the kind of fights you see in cartoons where there is just a ball of bodies with limbs sticking out and hair flying. LOL. We all turned out OK (kinda ;) but there is no way we would have had a result like that. Actually if I teased one of my siblings with a toy, I'd have lost possession of it (and probably gained a bite mark) in about 2.7 seconds!
    You are doing awesome, and your kids and going to be the most compassionate, well-rounded individuals as a result.

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    1. LOL Tarnya at the cartoon image of sibling brawls!!! :) Well I gotta say I have 2 sisters very close in age who I love dearly but we were the exact same way. Yeah, blood was drawn on more than one occasion!! We fought a LOT growing up and while we are all close now, I am really hoping to build a more amicable foundation! Thank you for your kind words. Honestly, I am just trying to do the best I can come up w and praying for a whole lotta grace to fill the gaps as I KNOW there are no guarentees in this parenting gig, that choices will ultimately be theirs and all that. I know I am making mistakes too but I guess just want to know I tried my best to lay good values and things in their little hearts. thanks for your encouragement, means a lot to me!! xx

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  2. I would say that was a perfect way of handling it. Wow Kate, you are such an inspiration. The way you calmly talk to your children, explain things and ask for their imput. It is so gentle, respectful but also it gives them a very clear guideline for how to behave next time. Wow.

    Today Finn and Harper squabbled all afternoon. I sometimes wish I had your words, the way you put it all together so it makes sense for the little ones. I don't think I did this afternoon :(
    But I am so glad I read your post. I love the "make things right" approach. We do use it in our house, but I think we need to use it a lot more.

    You are an exceptional mother. xx

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    1. aw thanks amber - to be honest i am mostly internally floundering, trying to scramble words and policies together, pryaing for guidance and hoping it comes out ok!!! i do find if i can 'step back' a bit mentally it helps me see the bigger picture of where i want to guide things and why. tho it does not always happpen!! i am inspired by YOUR gentleness and wonderful words w the kids, you underestimate yourself, young lady!

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  3. I second everything Amber said. You really do have a wonderful way of phrasing things for Lily and Eli, and I see them grasping such complex concepts like sarcasm or cruelty and forgiveness and restitution because of your plain and gentle speaking! It is SUCH a skill and I honestly don't know if I have it in me but I think you handled it with a lot of class and love.

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    1. aw velle - as above, on the inside im often scrambling!! my goal is to stay above the moment and work towards bigger goals of values and character which does help me stay calm. but yeah, that does NOT always happen and i am not always so gentle!!! YOU are more than equipped for the task ahead btw, with your wonderful words and intentionality.
      it's so easy to second guess as in retrospect I can always think of a different way or more i could have done (or less, when i have gone overboard or gotten frustrated). but we just do our best in that moment huh and i always get a chance to try again haha!!! (thanks to kids tendency to do the same thing OVER AND OVER!).

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  4. I would like to chime in and third the previous ladies' comments. Kate, you're a great role model for your children and for fellow moms! Thanks for your gentleness and grace! :)

    PS- I read every single one of your posts and fall more in love with your family every day. I just never get to comment because I get them on my reader on my phone while I'm nursing M in the middle of the night (I guess not STTN has it's upside, right?) Anyway, thanks for staying consistent with your posting! Can't wait to "meet" the new little one soon!

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    1. thanks so much Kim for reading - lol - wtg on using those MOTN feeds so productively! love your blog too! so great we can encourage each other to strive higher in our parenting thanks to all this technology huh! xx

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  5. You are such a lovely and gentle mother. I sincerely hope I can find the words to explain these things to my little lamb.

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  6. Kate, this is the type of post that makes me hope that you will have time to keep up with your blog after DD ends, and your new baby arrives. You have a such a wonderful way with words and have given me some great ideas about how to talk to my children about conflicts and other sibling issues - so thank you! I will be trying this one out immediately!

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    1. wow thank you so much, i am so touched by your comment! I learn and am inspired SO MUCH by stuff I read from other mama's blogs/books/etc and would feel so honoured if i could pass on any encouragement or ideas to others mum - love the knowledge sharing as we all do our best in this gig!i do hope to keep the blog going in some form after bub comes - it's been a real blessing to me in many ways so dont want to stop just yet... just maybe not every day next year ;)

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