Thursday 12 April 2012

My children want ME!?


"Can we remind each other that it is our uniqueness and love that our children long for? It is our voices. Our smiles. Our jiggly tummies. Of course we want to learn, improve, exercise, cook better, make our homes lovelier, and provide beautiful experiences for our children, but at the end of the day, our children don’t want a discouraged, stressed-out mom who is wishing she were someone else."

Yes. This.

I read this gorgeous post suddenly going viral on Facebook this morning - and it struck a chord. I am guessing it is striking chords in a crazy cacophony all over the world, hence all the fervent 'sharing'. I encourage you go and read it (but please come back!)... if you don't have time, the basic gist of it is about mothers feeling pressured (by ourselves) to perform at the standards seen on places like Pinterest and Instagram and the like.

When I dive into the fantastical, inspiring, overwhelming world of Pinterest (or Facebook, or blogs, etc) - although I certainly get inspired and have even done (gasp) plenty of cool things I have seen there - it is ever so easy to start feeling wayyyyyyyy behind the eight-ball - the eight-ball that all the other Mamas seem to be juggling with ease and grace (while crafting front-door wreaths from fresh berries, wine corks and taffeta.... with their toes, of course!).


Before nap time every day, Eli and Lily beg for cuddle time together.
For some reason at this time (and no other) they also ask for their pic  to be taken. On the days I don't have the energy to grab the camera, we pretend to snap pics as they are doing here!

But really, all those gorgeous things - aren't they just a veneer of ONE idea of motherhood, not the real thing? Gorgeous, fun, educational for sure... but not the true heart of the matter. Not the heart of our children and what they really need. Time with us, talks with us, heart sharing with US. Sure there may be Super Mothers who could do everything 'better', but no one can mother them quite like US... and we are the ones that they actually want!


Pretending to sleep. Yeah, right!!

Something I have realised (or am slowly in the process of realising!)... is that we cannot do all things all the time. Craft, bake, clean, decorate, special activities - for me, it's often pretty much pick one a day!! Or on some days.... I am doing well just to get the kids fed and dressed....or.. even...errrr... fed!






The thing is that there are many amazing and blessed people out there who can and do many of these things - with ease, with passion, with grace. I know 'cos I am friends with some of them - and I am in awe! But that is not me - at least, not all the time. Sometimes I have bursts of creativity and inspiration and I love doing those fun special activities, decorations, fancy snacks, food from scratch, and organisational what-not. But other times, I have realised, rather than flowing from the heart, I am doing 'those things' out of a sense of compulsion, because this is what the 'good mothers do' and I am trying to keep up with them.

I truly want to be a good mother, and good mothers use hair spray and glitter to make Tooth Fairy Money, don't they??!!!! (Ok, I just randomly grabbed idea that off my feed on Pinterest and now I'm like, actually that's an awesome idea!! Yes, this is why I am my own worst enemy). AHEM. Anyhoo, I'm realising that if I am making incredibly fun Panda Bread for the children (yes really, that exists, and no I am never ever erver going to even attempt it) , while growling at them to stay out of the kitchen so I can do it ....well I've kinda missed the point (and the plot!).

Do I want to be a good mother to my children, or just look like one to everyone else?


Counting fingers

I think my conclusion is that these beautiful 'extras' are certainly not wrong, excessive or merely frivolous. They can be fun, memory-making, inspiring, fulfilling - while making our families feel cherished and our home feel welcoming - and hey, it can make us feel pretty darn clever too! All good stuff. But they must flow from my excess. Excess energy, time and head-space. Not the core of my mothering - I need to protect that for me and my family, for the real stuff. The extras should also come from my heart and a desire to do them with joy, not a sense of compulsion or keeping up with the Pinning Jones'. I can always tell which friends truly take pleasure in baking from scratch, from labelling every jar in their house, from hosting parties where the fondant cake matches the triangle bunting. They do these things in love and it is wonderful and inspiring to see. If I do those things, I also need to do them for me and my family, not for the approval of others or my own sense of what I should be capable of doing. If we think we are doing them for the kids or the family, while stressing and growling and anxious, then perhaps we (I) need a wake up call.

It's OKAY that these amazing talents do not all flow naturally from me all the time. I have other gifts (like dissecting the characters of reality TV shows, ha!). What our children want from us is US - we are the very best Mothers for them - just as we are. God gifted them to us and us to them and we are all they want or need. I truly believe they need so much less from us (materially) than we give them... but so much more of us (in time and true engagement) than we realise. Quiet moments, long hugs, silly tickle fights. Not a cranky and stressed mother making home made 20 jars of fairy dust for birthday party favours... at 2am. Happy, relaxed and content Mama comes first... any fairy dust is just a bonus!






Because they love us, and we love them... and just being together, as ourselves... truly, that is enough...

Mama, they just want you xx

19 comments:

  1. Kate, you are just a beautiful person and mother. Without a doubt all Eli & Lily want is YOU, and yay for them, they've got you!

    I love that orginal article and your supporting post. I too can fall into a trap of thinking I'm not doing "enough" and that sometimes translates to be believing I'm not enough for my kids. Which I know is wrong.

    You are so right, all of those extras shouldn't be our core business. Cuddles, talking, listening, playing and just simply being with our children is what motherhood is in its essence. Sometimes we seem to miss these simple moments.

    Great post Kate. Inspiring - yet again :)

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    1. amber you are so sweet and encouraging! and funnily enough were one of the main ones i had in mind when writing about those for whom all this stuff seems to come so easily (while also nailing the core stuff!)... but i dont envy, just wonder and marvel at your talents :) hard to believe you could ever think you are not doing enough but i guess it gets all of us at times huh - we all so dearly want to do our best for our kids! LOVEEEEE the idea of 'core business' - YES perfect - that sums it up so well!! Many good things to do but like a business first we gotta take care of the core business :)
      Great idea to focus back on the essence of motherhood... love it. Love you!!

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    2. Oh Kate, you always give me far too much credit ;) I do like to do a few of those "crafty" things you have mentioned but I am learning that those things don't make me a better mother. They are things that I like to do but when the endless 'things to do list' gets a little bit too endless for my liking I am getting much better at simply dropping things off the list and not letting it get me down. It is impossible to do all the inspiring things we see on Pinterest and that's OK!
      "Core business" comes from a dear teacher friend of mine, who is now a Deputy Teacher with the ACT. He used to make sure that myself and his fellow hardworking workmates didn't get consumed by all the "extras" that occur when you are a teacher. When he saw us staying back late at night or heard of us working on the weekends he would ask whether the tasks were helping us get closer to our "core business"? He was always making sure that we had teaching and learning as the top adgenda (rather than the endless admin tasks etc, etc) Teaching, like parenting is sometimes all consuming that iut is easy to lose sight of what is truly important.

      Love you too my friend :)

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  2. Absolutely love this post! It is so true the feeling that you don't want to miss out on providing all the awesome things you see other people manage to do. Happy I have read this just before bed as it makes me feel just a little bit more realistic about things :) PS adorable photos

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    1. wow thanks Heidi, makes me soooo happy to think i have encouraged another mum to know she is already doing an AWESOME job! yes you nailed it - we dont want us or our kids to miss out.... sometimes forgetting on the real good stuff they could miss by fussing about the superficial stuff! what a trap huh/ Hope tomorrow is all the sweeter for you x

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  3. Beautiful words Kate, I totally agree. The blog/internet has its benefits but it also has it's downsides and they can be very damaging. Reading posts like yours brings us back to reality and the real point of mothering. Thank you :)

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    1. thanks Andi! so true there are good and bad sides to all this internet stuff! im just tagging on to the main amazing post but im touched you found encouragement from my words... you ROCK, mama! x

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  4. I find it so motivating to read a post like this, words that just bring you back down to earth, give you a shake and a reality check. It was only today as I was rushing around the house, tidying, cleaning, preparing for an open-house tomorrow, I was thinking 'when am I going to be less busy to spend more quality time playing with my kids'. Usually if I'm not cleaning, washing or cooking (the latter is very rare), then I'm in front of my computer working (the disadvantage of a home business). I need to do more prioritising.

    Thanks Kate, brilliant post.

    (I can't believe how cute your kids are together! Melts my heart!)

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    1. so true Vanessa that it can always seem like 'tomorrow' that we will have that quiet time w our kids - yet sometimes the realities of life (open homes - i know that pain!!!) does require more of us and thats ok too - for a season. Its a hard balance for sure, am so touched that my words meant something to you. All the best w your prioritising (and house selling!)...I know all will work out - you are an amazing mama x

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  5. You made me smile and think... thank God I´m not alone. There are sooo many things I want to do but I can´t. There´s no time left after doing everything that´s more necessary. So I sometimes go to bed that late... just to write and search and prepare and and and...

    Wonderful post... I love it!

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    1. thanks so much Maxima... you are right... you are NOT alone - seems it all too common for we Mamas to feel like this - glad we can share and support each other xx

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  6. Kate I think I like your post even better than the original :)
    Beautiful sentiments, beautifully written. The series of photos is the perfect accompaniment too.
    Your kids are very blessed to have you, and I'm sure that they, in turn, will be wonderful parents (if that's the path they take) thanks to the awesome example you've provided.

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    1. *blush* wow sarah that is high praise after an article thats been shared on FB like 700,000 times!!! not sure i am anywhere near that but so thankful you could tell my post was heartfelt and i love that it spoke to yours and others hearts! thank you SO much for your kindness xx

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  7. Thank you for sharing your heart!!! I personally know that nothing can replace personal time with my child, it takes priority over all outings and social events, especially when she is young.

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  8. Beautiful post. And I've seen this sentiment written before this article came out. Time to shake off the worries that our life doesn't look like the lives we see online and start living our life. Look away from the computer and the glamorised, vintagised, hippy'd up lives we see on social media! :)
    I wonder what our mothers/grandmothers would have to say... they probably only had their friends and neighbours to compare to and I bet they just enjoyed their company... :) I hope so anyway because that's what I'm trying to do!! (With a few glamorised, vintagised, hippy'd up photos thrown in on occasion!!)

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    1. So true!!! Focus on our own families and dont worry about the rest! Its funny.. I wrote this post a couple years ago and looking at it now, it felt quite unfamiliar in a way... like, I guess the longer I am in this mothering gig, the more settled I feel about it and my 'mothering style'. Kinda cool to recognise a bit of growth, anyway! :)

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  9. Yes!! Us time, that's the all important thing! We do a lot of crafts at our place, and yes, some of them are Pinterest-worthy. But we don't do material stuff. We don't do expensive. My husband and I are both off work at the moment (intentionally), so we can spend lots and lots of one-on-one time being together. Because it won't be long before they don't need it quite as much. We can earn money and do super flash things then.

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    1. I think that is sooooooooooo amazing you guys are doing that, and prioritising these early years! How wonderful :) You will never ever regret it, im sure xx

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