Thursday, 21 June 2012

a certain season...

Joy is the view of my bedside table featuring this little artfully arranged floral display from Lily.
She brought them back from a walk and said they would make me feel happy when I'm sick.
They do.

I have been reflecting on how much life has dramatically changed for me lately. Life is usually so busy (for everyone, right?), full of commitments and appointments and catch ups and 'simply must-dos'... usually I have commitments about three or four nights a week and something on pretty much every day... a class with the kids, a playdate, a visit or some important errand, not to mention all the usual child and house and life stuff. And then - I got pregnant (yay!). And then I got sick...(not so yay) and as it turns out, this seems to be my roughest pregnancy yet. I haven't left the house (or even really my bed, or gotten dressed) in over a week.

Funny how life is full of so much busyness and importance and then you get sick and pretty much everything just falls to the wayside. Well, except the kids of course! I was thinking about writing about all this (from my bed!) but was going to say the only essential outing of the week is Lily's dance class cos... well, come hell or highwater, that girl has got to dance! So Eli had a sleepover at Nana's on Wednesday night and I had Lily on my own and thought - surely I can take her to class. I had had a pretty wretched night and morning but I tried to pace myself to get up and get myself dressed (what a novelty! proper clothes!) and of course prepare my little ballerina. It was tough. I was all vomity and dizzy and gasping for breath, as tragic and pathetic a figure as you could imagine. Crying out to God to just help me do this and frankly quite appalled at myself for not even having the energy for this very simple task. I just tried to press on - surely I could do this.

Then the phone rang... by God's providence in the midst of all this staggering around... it was my friend Kristin offering to take Lily to Questacon (awesome science museum) with her kids that morning. I told her thanks so much but I was taking her to dance class. To which her reply was something along the lines of - Are you a crazy woman, you can barely talk on the phone. Let me take her to Questacon and you can make up the class another time. And because you don't argue with Kristin, especially in the form of a rescuing angel, I reluctantly yet gratefully accepted. Lily was happy with the swap, assured that we would go to dance another day and excited to have a fun day with her friends.

Of course when Kristin arrived I bawled my eyes out on her shoulder as that is how I greet most people who come to the door these days (sorry in advance). Why the tears? Let's firstly blame the hormones shall we? Combined with grief over my lack of ability to do anything much less care for my children right now - I couldn't even get Lily to dance class!? I guess I am struggling to accept how limited I am right now. Gratitude for God's provision and for friends who absolutely insist on helping when I cannot help myself. So many swirling emotions... plus the swirling pain and nausea. All this results in tears, by the bucket load these days.

The love and support I have recieved from others is a whole other special post I am looking forward to writing, but the thing I am hearing over and over is to give myself a little grace. That this is just a season, that the children are resiliant, that it is good to let other's help me right now and that I just have to let go. All tough messages for a Mama who I guess kinda prided herself on being capable and fully engaged with her children. Humbling, heartbreaking, beautiful.

And so... these are quiet days. Dark days. Hard days. And yet... there are rays of light streaming through.... God's gentle love and kind compassion... friends and family stepping in, taking over, helping out... children who have been so gentle and understanding and caring of their poor ol' Mum... a devoted and loving husband. And the sweetest ray of sunshine... knowing all this suffering is not without gain, that through these trials a new life is being formed and created within me, a new baby to love and cherish for a whole life long. And in the tragic midst of friends losing much-wanted babies, or struggling to concieve, I don't want to complain or be ungrateful even for an instant for my lot. I know it is worth every moment and for that I am so crazy thankful. Yet I must also be real and say...these days are hard. Hard but worth it, and as I am refined by these trials, I pray my sweet little child within me continues to grow healthy and strong and ever so loved.


  1. Oh Kate, in the midst of your misery your post is still so beautifully written - what a gift you have there. You have eloquently documented your pregnancy journey about how hard it is, yet how grateful you are that you are growing a precious baby. You are absolutely right that the children are resilient and will cope with the changes in their lives right now. How wise you are to give yourself a break (even though us mamas are always very tough on ourselves). Take care, Sarah (goodytenshoes)

  2. Oh Kate. You poor thing. You sound so terribly ill. Is there not something the doctor can give you to ease your suffering? I'm sure your kids are just fine and are not feeling your absence at all, but I get it - mama guilt. It sucks that you have that on top of everything out you're dealing with. Well done for managing to keep up with the project and continue sharing your wise words with us. I hope there is some relief for you soon.

    1. thanks lovely Tarnya - yes I do have some prescriptions for meds but to be honest I just dont feel comfortable taking them esp in the first trimester... that's just me. I will if things get really dire but a friend just told me about a side effect her baby had from taking the meds I was prescribed so... umm.. I will probably just try to soldier on, at least for now. thanks for your care x

  3. Oh so well said! I know how you feel... except for having other children to look after at the same time as feeling sick! May God continue to give you strength and perspective in this challenging time. Kat xo

  4. Oh Kate...

    Firstly, congratulations!! I am so excited to hear about your new pregnancy, and I especially love hearing how delighted your kids are about their new sibling!

    I am, however, sorry to hear about how unwell you are. I can't imagine what a challenge it must be to have to just stop, especially with littles running around. What a blessing to have so much support around you, making sure that everyone's needs are met.

    I'm looking forward to following your pregnancy (and especially looking forward to the day you post about feeling well!)

  5. Lovely post, Missy. I am really proud of how you are handling this (by comparison, you know what I would be like if I were in your shoes!). I like that you are considering the encouragement to "give myself a little grace". Right on. It may feel like you are treading water, but God does some of his best work in our darkest hours. You are a real encouragement to me - I love you!!

  6. Colleen Golafshan24 June 2012 at 00:17

    Thanks Kate for sharing such difficult times with us, including the good that you see to come. Thanks to God that He provides so well, whatever He allows in our life. I've just prayed for you and all the family. May God bless you abundantly (EPH 3:14-21) through these days. Love in Him, Colleen

  7. Dearest Kate,

    I hope things get better soon.

    My third pregnancy was the hardest, too. I spent so many hours in my bed it was amazing! I felt SO guilty! But the time has past and all is well again.

    I'm glad you have so many supportive people around you.

    Congratulations, by the way :)It is exciting to have a little one coming along, even when it is so hard.

    Hope today is better.

  8. Lovely post, really heartfelt words. i hope you are feeling better soon.

  9. Kate, I really feel for you. It was only this time last year that I was in your position, sick as a dog with a boisterous toddler to care for and keep entertained. It is hard to cope with a change in your abilities when you are so used to being so capable and present in your children's lives. I know that it's not much consolation in these seemingly endless days of feeling so unwell but it is an excellent sign that your bub is healthy and those pregnancy hormones are doing their job well. I found chewing gum helpful when I had to get out. Ginger ale was also good sometimes and fresh lemons in water to keep it down. But of course, we're all different. I hope you find something to give you some relief.
    I would love to give the kids a play date with Joseph when you're up to it. Meanwhile, I'm thinking of you.Hang in there!
    x Gen


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