siblings for life, for love

As much as I tried to prepare Lily for when Eli was introduced to our family, I really had nothing to worry about. There has never been an ounce of sibling rivarly, in fact Lily used to beg me 'Pick up Baby Eli, Mummy!!' when he was happily lying in his bouncer! A far cry from the frequent stories I heard of toddlers resenting the baby being touched by Mum, she would get so anxious if I put him down for a second!! She has always doted on him, adored him, coddled him and wanted him around. Such a sweet blessing for which I have been so grateful. Their relationship has always been a beautiful thing to watch and one I am determined to nourish as much as possible... but to be honest, although I have promoted and protected it as much as I can, it hasn't needed much work or input from me so far.... they just naturally adore each other!

However in recent weeks, Lily has struggled a little. Yes, she loves her brother but when his wriggly little fingers and clumsy little arms get near her artist's studio and grab her creations..... well... there is only so much a sister can take, right?!?! She would panic and shriek as Eli got his little clutches onto her precious papers she was in the midst of making into something, paper flying everywhere as he eagerly tried to see and get involved in what she was doing. Oh dear.

Now, I fully realise I am merely on the first step of this whole sibling-relationship gig....well, let's be honest, this entire parenting gig!!!!! Yup, I am a rookie and a newbie, with high hopes and ideals and many many (many?!) more years of practical application and cold-hard-realities ahead. True. Yet I do have hopes and prayers, particularly regarding the relationship between my children.... one I see as not only so special but also foundational for peer-relationships in the future. For that reason, thus far in this journey (and also of course informed by my own sibling relationships and other issues I have seen, reading and so on), I have thought through two main goals I want to focus on developing between my kids as they grow...

1. Working through Issues. Conflict is inevitable between siblings as it is between like...all humans...cos we are, you know, so very human! That is ok, that is expected, that is life. The key I think is to give them tools, practise and confidence to work through the problems when they emerge. To know how to talk through issues, speak up when hurt or angry, to acknowledge wrongs when done, to ask for and extend forgiveness, make things right, to give grace on both sides, compromise, problem solve and so on.

2. Relating with Love. I want my children to support each other, praise each other, be skilled in understanding how to show love to each other. I feel like with my own siblings we didn't have a 'language' for doing this and certainly no skills. I've got many thoughts on how I am/want to develop this one but I will focus on the first goal for this post. But the heart behind this one is, I want siblings who are given a language and plenty of practise in speaking kindly, lovingly, gently to one another. Who can cheer each other on in life, be a team, rejoice in each other's successes, comfort in their down times and so on. Who are unafraid and not uncomfortable to say 'I love you' and so on. Whether in words or deeds... be each others cheer squads and support in life.

So, um, yeah... big goals, big dreams, big hopes for my kids. Same as all mothers, I would guess! Yep, I'm just at the foothill of the arc of their relationship but I am hoping and praying to lay some good ground work in these early days.

Back to the drama at hand.... A wise parent once told me that kids are most likely to freak out in anger/violence/frustration when they don't feel they have a clear or fair strategy for dealing with the issue. I'm all about breaking things down into simple steps around here and Lily in particular finds a lot of comfort at this age in having a simple step-by-step process she can rely on. When A happens, I can B, C, D. So for right now, when Eli is getting into/messing up/taking her craft things, the steps are -

1. Say 'Please Stop' with her hand lifted up in a clear, calm but firm request.
2. Suggest/give something else he can play with.
3. If all else fails, then ask Mum for help.

Yes, I want them to resolve issues on their own but with Eli still under two, there is only so much negotiating they can do at this age, I think? Yes, Eli needs to learn not to mess up/wreck/take Lily's things and to listen to and respect his sister but that is a task for the Mum to take on for now, I think, not Lily. (I mean, for me to teach him boundaries about what he can and cannot touch at this age, for me to step in when he does not listen to 'no' etc - not for Lily to be the mother, give consequences and so on).

I introduced Lily to this strategy by talking it through, repeating and role-play and acting it out how to implement it (I do a pretty good job pretending to be a crazy 21 month old!!), as well as working with the rambunctious little brother of course!

Since then, it has warmed my heart on several occasions to  overhear them.... Lily at first exclaiming 'Eli!!" with rising panic and anxiety in her voice, then to hear her catch herself, immediately calm down and say cheerfully, ''Please stop, Eli! Here you go little Buddy, you can play with this instead!' as she gives him a different toy or activity, he happily is redirected and peaceful parallel play once more resumes. Well done, little lady and little dude! No, it's not 100% (when it's not I ask Lily what she could have done differently, and deal with Eli separately) and there are of course a million variables that are sure to emerge but I am thankful to have been able to head off this little flare up for now, and give Lily some tools to calmly and effectively deal with this issue and others like it. I love hearing the calm and confidence in her voice as she redirects him, and then seeing the issue resolved with no intervention from me needed.

Ahhh there is so much more I could say, qualify, talk about, dream about, share and pray about on all this, but I think I will wrap it up there. Suffice to say, I am so grateful for the beautiful start these two have had to their relationship and I am well aware there will be all kinds of intracacies and hurdles and issues ahead. I also know that at the end of the day it will be up to them to preserve and protect their relationship as siblings and yet.... anything I can do to help it along, any tools I can give them, any equipping I can do, I shall! While I can. My hopes are high, my prayers are long, my heart is full.....

PS If you have managed to read through all this rambling, well done!?! And thanks for listening to me as I think this all through and share it here! So much to consider when sorting out my approach to this preciously complex relationship, which I am sure will evolve over the years too (referring to my approach, my goals, and the relationship!!)


PPS The scenes above... today when Eli wandered to Lily's table and started grabbing at the 'ballerinas' she was making, I expected Step 1, 2 and 3 to unfold (or break down). But instead, she cheerfully offered him her seat, some paper and crayons to do his own drawing and sat down behind him to continue her industrious creating. They were both so happy and needless to say, I was too!!