Teach kids to say more than just 'Sorry' // Five steps to a more meaningful apology

I don't know about your household, but around here, we are messing up on the regular. Hurt feelings, hurt toes, lost tempers and lost drink bottles. We try hard (sometimes more than others!?) but we also mess up...a lot. Grace and forgiveness is essential - and needed in abundance some days!

And you know what, that's ok! Tiring, but okay. Because home is the learning ground for life. It's where my children (and...ahem, the parents) fall and learn to get back up again. It's where the consequences are relatively small but the life lessons can be huge. Hopefully, it's a soft place to land before being jettisoned into that big, wide, sometimes scary, world.

And so. Where there are mistakes, there should also (hopefully) be apologies. Where there are intentional hurts, there should be apologies even more so! Because in our family, we believe in making things right. And we have found that there is so much more to apologising than just blurting out a blunt, perfunctory 'sorry'. Really apologising means saying sorry in a meaningful way. It means making things right (to the best of your ability) and restoring that precious relationship. It might mean talking things through or waiting some time before both parties are ready to make amends. But it's worth the wait and the work - because relationships matter. And in this family, we deal with problems, not just ignore them or sweep them under the rug.

When we make mistakes, the aim is to teach our kids how to really say sorry, how to really make amends with the other person, how to learn from the experience and restore the relationship. It may not happen all the time, because there is often a lot going on in family life, but generally we try to take this approach. And let's be honest, often multiple parties are in the wrong, so everyone needs to make amends!

Now, I feel like I have to stop here to insert something here. I know it's a movement in some parenting circles these days to never encourage a child to apologise. That just by modelling or osmosis, the child will naturally learn to apologise if they want to, and if they don't, then that's fine too and they can just carry on. Now, by all means, every parent can parent however they choose! I get the intention behind this philosophy (no forced and meaningless apologies). And I definitely agree in not using the totally 'old school' approach of forcing an obviously unapologetic child to resentfully blurt out the word 'sorry' (wringing it out like blood from a stone!!) with obviously no authenticity or remorse. That does nothing for anyone involved!

However, I personally feel like there is a middle ground.

When there is a wrong done, and particularly when there is a broken relationship, I think kids need to know - and learn - how to own that, and how to try to make things right. It might take some time, some talk, some reflection or cooling off time in a separate quiet space. But I think when kids understand what happened, and why it was wrong, they can be encouraged to make amends when they are ready to own it. And when a child is ready to apologise, as a parent you can help them make that apology more meaningful - both for them and for the other (wronged) party. So often, conflict ends with one child tossing out 'Sorry' and that's the end of it. There isn't time or process for reflection, thinking through or considering what went wrong, why it went wrong and what a better approach would be for next time. If we are going to fail (and we will!), why not at least try to learn something from it?!

I first learned about a detailed apology process in a parenting course my husband and I did many moons ago through Growing Families International. I was also drew from this fantastic article on 'A better way to say Sorry' a few years later that has similar steps too!

Over time, we have developed our own take on it with a five step process, a reminder of how to say sorry in a meaningful way. So many friends have seen my scrappy list blue-tacked on the kitchen cabinet and copied it down, so after many requests I am fiiiiinally putting it into a blog post!! And am even stretching myself to work out how to create a printable so you can put it up in your own homes if you like! :)

Now, this five step process doesn't need to followed literally every single time there is wrong done! Use your discretion. But it's a helpful way to slow down everyone involved in a conflict, and to consider what happened in a more meaningful way. And once it is ingrained, the intention can be there behind every apology, even if each literal five steps aren't followed.

My kids have now pretty much memorised these steps and often naturally go through them when they apologise - when I first put up my scrappy hand written poster, my youngest would lead me to the poster after an 'incident' and wait expectantly, haha! I guess they kinda like it ;) And just a couple nights ago, I had spoken to one of the kids about the disrespectful way they had said something to me. Then at bedtime, they peered up at me and said 'Mum, I'm sorry for being rude and I have just one question - do you forgive me?'. Totally unprompted!!! Melted my heart, I gotta admit!

And... needless to say.... these steps are useful for adults too! How many adults do we know who don't know how to say sorry in a meaningful way? And how many relationships are harmed as a result of a lack of humility and the ability to truly own a fault, apologise, restore and move forward? It's hard work but it is worth it. A lifetime's worth of worth it.

And so - here are the 5 steps to a more meaningful apology.

Download the FREE Printable here (my first time making a printable, so I hope this works!)

And here are the 5 steps again, broken down a little more and with a practical example. Often with younger kids, I will prompt them with the lead in phrase for each step, and let them finish the sentence.


How to really say 'Sorry'

Step 1: I am sorry for.... hitting you because you had a toy I wanted.

Prompts them to own what they did that was wrong.

Step 2: That was wrong because.... you got hurt and you cried. It's wrong to hit people because it hurts them.

Encourages them to think through WHY it was wrong. Often this will highlight they have no idea!!! 'I don't know why'. A chance to talk things through. This step is really about empathy building. They have to look at it from the other person's perspective. Honestly, it's fascinating to see kids work through this step, it is a huge learning process! Also a reminder that we need to be teaching our kids, not just expecting them to already know why right is right and wrong is wrong (we often assume they just know the 'why'!).

Step 3: Next time I will....ask nicely for a turn of the toy and wait.

Use positive language. Not what you won't do - what WILL you do? Often the initial response will be something like 'Next time I won't hit'. Um, ok, that's the easy answer. But the challenge is to think through what you will do instead next time - that's more meaningful and more likely to lead to change. You can really see blank stares and brains ticking over with this one, haha! It's a great process to go through - to think about what change they can own and plan for. Eg next time I will use my words and not my hands. Next time I will wait my turn patiently. 

Step 4: Will you forgive me?

This is a key step. Asking for forgiveness puts the power where it belongs - back with the victim, to bestow that forgiveness (or not!). Just saying 'sorry' keeps the power with the wrongdoer. They say 'sorry' but nothing is required from them (except for the wronged to say 'That's ok'?? Hmmm, think about that messaging!). To ask for forgiveness is definitely a lot more humbling than just saying 'Sorry' (trust me... or try it sometime, lol). But that's the whole point, right? When we do wrong against someone, it is so much more powerful to acknowledge that and give them the opportunity to grant forgiveness, rather than just tossing out a 'sorry' and moving on. The vulnerability of asking for forgiveness is often the key to restoration and reconciliation, it shows true remorse.

Step 5: What can I do to make things right or better? (Sibling asks for a hug)

Restitution is so important. It may not always be a necessary step for every situation. And the wronged party might not always want or be able to think of something, or there may not be an easy fix. If so, perhaps the wrong-doer can make a suggestion of what they can do to restore the relationship - but again, the wronged party gets to choose if that is what they want! Eg want a hug? I can draw you a picture, get you a drink, help you build the tower again, get your toy back. etc. This step doesn't always need to be included but it goes a long way towards restoring broken relationships. And if things have been broken or messed up etc, again, the responsibility is back on that child to make a real effort to put things back on track. When we make mistakes, we make an effort to make things right. This is a hugely important lesson for me to teach my kids!


Here is another example, this time from child to parent.

I am sorry for... lying to you about who ripped the book
That was wrong because.... telling lies is wrong and hurts people and means you can't trust me.
Next time I will... tell the truth, no matter what.
Will you forgive me? (yes!)
What can I do to make things right? (You can help fix the book with sticky tape).



I could go on but hopefully it makes sense! I hope this post is helpful and I have explained things somewhat clearly!?

I honestly feel like the skill (yes, it is a skill!) of being able to own your wrongs, and apologise in a meaningful, genuine way is of life long benefit. A gift I hope to give to my kids.

And let's be real. In our family we make a lot of mistakes. Life is messy and raw but if we can do our best to make things right when we mess up... that grace goes a long way.

Relationships matter. Let's do what we can to stay connected xx

a letter-writing journal // staying connected with your kids

As our children grow and especially once they head off to school, it can be a little jarring to realise that they are becoming their own little people, with emerging private worlds of their own. It is a glorious thing of course.... we want them to be independent! But like most parents, I've also been really aware of wanting to keep those channels of communication open as they start to venture into the big wide world! Especially as these early years slowly but surely morphing into the tween years (and, like, 'tweens' didn't even exist when I was one, lol)... and then the teens. Eeeek...what a ride we have ahead!

I am not even sure now how this precious routine emerged. Something to do with a glut of beautiful little notebooks and a very eager little letter writer and pen pal. My eight year old daughter, Lily, is the kind of kid who pre-writes responses to her pen pal friends so as soon as a letter arrives she has one ready to send in reply. Ha!!!

So, about a year ago we began to write letters to each other in the pages of a journal. These notes were written 'in secret' then the book was surreptitiously placed under the pillow of the other person for them to discover. Often accompanied by a few eager and not-so-subtle hints of 'have you looked under your pillow lately??'

There has been a beautiful and gentle evolution to these letters, especially as her writing skills and stamina have improved over time and her desire grew to write more and more. Lily had the idea that we should ask each other a question in each letter, which we then answer, as well as writing about our day, our thoughts and anything that's happening in our family. It's even been a safe place to write about miscommunications and some hurt feelings. Sometimes, the journal has been passed back and forth several times in a day, other times a week or even a month can go by before it is delivered under a pillow again. Life gets in the way, you know! And that's okay.... the journal is there when we need it. Sometimes I need a few reminders before I get a chance to reply and sometimes I have to teasingly request a little return mail from my daughter too!

How fascinating it is to have a peek into her world, to hear about her favourite things and to be charmed by her questions and insights about life and family and her many dreams and big ideas. She is her own little person, and so utterly lovely to get to know. She is getting to know me too, in a different way (as a real person, not just a mother haha!), as we ask each other questions as friends do.

Right now she is an open book (no pun intended!) and I love how easily we can share our hearts. But in years to come, when emotions and hormones, peers and other influences pervade, my hope is that this simple little journal, and the trust we have established along the way, might provide an avenue to continue to openly communicate with each other through the written word, at times when speech may otherwise fail.

It's also been a bonus to have all our notes bound safely into one book rather than loose papers that often get waylaid... or is that just me?!  Best of all has been having a blossoming conversation with my daughter that I hope and pray will continue to evolve and mature over the years as we do the same.

Day by day, letter by letter, we grow together xx

how I stopped yelling at the kids // 2 steps that really help!!

I never used to be a 'yeller'. Before kids, definitely neverrrrrrrr. And even with one and two kids, I was never really tempted to yell at them. Cranky, tired, frustrated - sureeee. But I just wasn't a 'yeller'. #yet

(Please note, I also thought I was a very patient person before I had kids... ha!)

I can tell you when it started to change (unfortunately). When I was pregnant with my third little cherub, I once again experienced pretty severe hyperemesis (severe all-day all-pregnancy morning sickness). I did a lot of 'parenting from my bed' while my then four and two year old roamed around... because often I simply could *not* get up. And so I would be calling instructions, (please come here! stop touching that! get dressed!). Then, as my frustration with both my limitations and their childishness grew, the calling would morph to yelling and you know what... turns out yelling is a habit. And once you unleash it, it kinda turns into an outlet that is all too easy to keep justify using.

So, that was the beginning of giving myself permission to yell. Not a happy beginning or proud progression, I have to say! I've realised that often the yelling is provoked (still) by my own frustration at being unsure how to otherwise handle behaviour - or simply not having the energy/desire to handle it as I know I should - especially when rushing! Other 'causes' might be my annoyance at their childishness interrupting my other plans or simply 'kids being kids' somehow still being a surprise even after this many years of parenting!? ;) Really, these are excuses, not reasons, aren't they?

I wouldn't say I yelled daily or even usually weekly... (depending!!) but I also saw it was creeping up in me as an easier 'go to' response when I was really exasperated. Eeek :( But this isn't about counting how often I yelled or how often you yell and ranking it on any kind of scale! It's about challenging myself to step up to being the parent I want to be. And maybe sharing my story may encourage you too, if you also struggle with yelling. You are not alone! And it's a different story for everyone but we are all still mothers who want to do our best for our kids - that's the point, right? #hugsallround

I think we would all agree 'parenting by volume' is not the best technique! Far from it. Obviously, it hurts the hearts (and ears!) of our children. Aggressive behaviour is not how I want to teach my children nor how I want them to behave. And what kind of example is it, to show them such lack of self control, when we are trying to teach them those very skills? (And how much older are we?? Ahem).

Soooo, ten days ago, in the middle of the long summer school holidays and also in the midst of a pretty busy and stressful time for our family, when we, (the parents), had a lot of outside things going on distracting us from the children, I could tell I was too easily feeling 'disrupted/frustrated' just by them being kids. So, in the very worst time, it suddenly seemed like the very best time to set myself a 'no yelling/kind voices only' challenge.

And the key? Unlike all those other times I had told myself 'Never yell again! It's awful! Just don't do it!', I decided to 'set myself up for success' with two extra steps. A little advanced preparation makes all the difference when you are really determined to break a habit!


Two Steps to Help You Stop Yelling...


1) Set a DEFINED LENGTH TO YOUR CHALLENGE. This makes it feel much more achievable. I randomly chose 10 days! Which is quite a lot to be honest, maybe I should have set it shorter, haha! But once it was set, I was determined to meet my goal.

and

2) TELL THE KIDS. They sure keep you accountable!! Over breakfast one morning, my kids and I had a chat. It was a frank and honest talk about yelling. I had to humble myself to tell them I was sorry about how I had yelled in the past, why I didn't want to yell anymore and that I was going to work hard on stopping - with a 10 day goal. They immediately wanted to sign on for themselves too, haha! And were generally just sweet and excited and supportive. So I made a simple little sign for the wall and then every morning I would ask them if I had yelled the day before. You know, kids don't hold back, huh?? #brutalhonesty And how sweeeeeet it was when every morning they would answer 'no yelling!' and I got to cross that day off the chart... felt pretty proud, heehee :)

PS There was one day where they said 'Well, you weren't yelling but you were huffing a lot and being a bit harsh'. Oops.






The toughest thing to realise was, ironically, that it was not that hard. I guess what I had to admit to myself is that previously I was giving myself permission to yell. I was excusing it, justifying it, blaming it on the kid's behaviour rather than my own frustration, unrealistic expectations and simple lack of self control. Having three little sets of eyes on me, cheering me on and keeping me honest and accountable made a world of difference. Having a defined goal made it seem even more achievable - and makes the competitiveness kick in for yourself too! And being forced in those 'tempting situations' to pull up my parenting bootstraps and find other more effective (and mature!!) ways to deal with my children made me a better parent.

On the last day, my seven year old said to me 'Mummy, when this challenge is over, can we do it again? Another challenge? Again and again and again? Because it's so nice around the house with no yelling'. Ziinnnng. She is right. And I can only agree. Will I never yell again? I can't make promises like that and no doubt it's likely I will lapse again (I'm only human!!). I only hope that this little challenge reminds me that I actually do have the self control to not yell, and that I do not have to give myself permission to yell, instead I can aim higher, do better, be gentler. I can stop, bite my tongue, and choose another strategy rather than the 'easy way out', the 'quick release' of yelling. I feel like a cycle has been broken, a terribly hurtful downward spiral has been interrupted, and my earnest prayer is that it is broken for good. In its place I want to put new, more gentle and calm strategies that still set clear boundaries without the 'cheap cheat' of yelling to get results. Things I already know but too often chose to ignore in those 'white heat' moments!!


The peace in our home is a worthy result of this little experiment. Do I still get frustrated, exasperated and sometimes just downright angry with my kids? Yes, yes I do. Not bragging on that either... more things to work on!! And while I am learning to better control my responses, I will also be working on my heart. Ahhh, parenting. We are learning and growing right alongside our children, huh? I am all the more thankful for God's graciousness and my children's forgiveness as we walk this challenging but rewarding path of 'family' together.

xx Kate


PS If you want to take on a 'no yelling' challenge, there are heaps of great resources and websites around the internet. One of the very best I've found is the Orange Rhino blog. She even has a free app you can download, where you can set goals and even 'reminders' at certain challenging parts of the day. About half way through my challenge I downloaded this and it was great. I had a daily reminder at 4.30pm, lol!! Another gorgeous blog with lots of lovely idea for better connection with your kids is Handsfree Mama. Always really grounding and inspiring.

PPS If you enjoyed this post, feel free to hop on over to my Facebook page! It's a great little community for sharing parenting fun, fails and everything in between xx

how to deal with tattling - with two simple phrases!

You hear it, don't you. At a certain age, it suddenly starts to emerge....

'Muuuuuuuum, ABC is doing XYZ!!!'

Now, our kiddos usually operate as a team so we didn't hear tattling for a good long while... but then 'suddenly' up it cropped. Um....how are we gonna handle this one?! My husband and I quickly realised we needed to think about an intentional and firm 'family policy' on how to handle this little thing known widely as....

Tattling.

When Sibling A tells the parents that Sibling B is (allegedly!) up to no good.

Why? Possibly because...

a) They hope to get them 'in trouble'
b) They are genuinely distressed/concerned about what is happening
c) They are taking too much responsibility for their sibling's behaviour
d) All of the above?!

So where does that leave the parents? Suddenly corralled into investigating all sorts of mischief that may or may not have happened as described. You obviously didn't witness the indiscretion, so it makes it rather tricky (and time consuming!) to get to the bottom of things.

And where does that leave the siblings? Split apart and ready to 'pounce and renounce' their beloved brother or sister in order to 'get them in trouble' or whatever the motive may be. Sometimes, yes, it's genuine distress, worry or dismay. But something doesn't feel right about kids running to 'tell' on their siblings throughout the day.

Tattling just doesn't seem like a good habit for our kids to get into, does it?

However, we don't like to tell our kids just what not to do - we want to give them strategies for dealing with these issues themselves.When a new issue crops, my hubby and I like to step back and chat about where we think the behaviour is coming from and how to best approach it. This helps us be intentional in our approach and working together with a 'game plan' tends to make us more consistent (ahhhh, the rub of parenting - consistency!). We thought about our goals for our children's relationship with each other. How we felt about behaviour that was 'not okay' going on in our home and us not knowing about it. How we also felt about being constantly pulled in to investigate and adjudicate over events we hadn't actually witnessed.

Some of the elements we wanted to consider for our family policy on 'tattling'... (dot points in an attempt to be brief!)...

• Just saying 'No tattling' didn't seem realistic. While we don't want our kids to tattle, there are situations we do need to know about... you know, for health and safety and burning houses and whatnot ;) 
• We want our kids to see themselves as a team. A sibling team: friends who look out for, support, protect and encourage each other - not bringing each other down. I want our kids to have each other's backs when launching into the big wide world. It is so important to me, to nurture those sibling bonds.
• We want our kids to want each other to make good choices, to hope for each other's best. 
• We do not want to be told about every minor misdemeanor and spend all day refereeing. They needed tools for dealing with things themselves.
• If our kids are making a bad choice and we are not aware of it, we've decided it's pretty much 'between them and God' if you know what I mean. I don't need to micromanage every misdeed. Any character issues will surely come to light at other times, in ways I personally witness. It's more important to us to nurture the sibling relationship than to pit them against each other as tiny power crazed police! If they are flicking the lights on and off or getting out of bed when asked not to, and I don't see it myself, that's ok. In the end, our parenting is about engaging our children's hearts and moral development long term, which unfolds in more ways than getting out of bed one time. 
• I DO want to be told about behaviour that is dangerous (harming or likely to harm themselves or others, like hitting siblings, preparing to jump from the top bunk or playing with matches) or destructive (harming property, like drawing on the walls or ripping up a book).
• We want our kids to understand that they cannot control the actions of other people and they are not responsible for other's bad choices. This is one of life's lessons it took me a loooong time to learn so I want to get this one in early! If they see someone making a bad choice, I want them to encourage them to make a better choice, but without feeling like they must control the other person or be responsible if they continue. I want them to know I don't hold them to account for that - even the older siblings.

We then came up with two simple phrases to help guide the kids and ourselves through a potential tattling situation. Of course, we sat the kids down first and talked with them about our expectations and explained what these phrases mean.

Sooooo -

When a child comes running to me saying 'Mum, Mum, ABC is....'

I calmly stop them and first ask 'Is it dangerous or destructive?' 

If yes, I immediately go and investigate and deal with as necessary.

If no, I ask 'Have you encouraged them to make a better choice?'

If 'No', I suggest they go and gently encourage their sibling (eg 'ABC, remember that Mum said to stay in bed!'. But I remind them that they can't force them and they are not responsible if their sibling chooses not to obey.

If 'Yes' - I say 'I am glad you are trying to help your sibling. That is a loving choice, helping them do the right thing. You don't have to control what they do, if they don't listen, they are responsible - not you.'

At this point their intention usually becomes clear. If perhaps they were hoping to throw their beloved sibling under the bus, (!!) they walk away realising that I'm not playing that game. If they seem genuinely distressed then it's an opportunity to comfort them and talk about choices and personal responsibility. We chat about using our words (and not our hands!) to encourage others to make good choices.

We can't police our children 24/7, even if we did want to... (a good time to insert the phrase 'Ain't nobody got time for that!' Haha!). We take our kid's character development extremely seriously as parents, but part of this is recognising that at the end of the day, parenting is not about controlling every behaviour but about reaching their hearts and helping transform the attitudes behind their behaviour.

This approach aims to preserve and encourage sibling bonds, to save our sanity, and to have a consistent 'line in the sand' about what issues we intervene in and those we won't. I don't want our kids to be tempted to be 'tattletales'. Our family policy is an intentional choice, knowing you have to win some and lose some. They say in parenting you pick your battles and we hope this is a case where we miss some minor battles in order to gain victory in a greater war - their hearts and their relationships.

The kids now know where we stand and feel empowered and also relieved (especially our oldest, who tends to feel responsible for her younger siblings behaviour, which is a burden too great for a kid to bear, I think!). Tattling is now at a minimum and we have a 'policy' in place to help guide us all when it does emerge. I am thankful to see the sibling bond continue to grow and strengthen as my kids encourage each other to make good choices, without being burdened to either 'tattle' or control others.

So, those two simple phrases? In case they got lost in my rambling (TL:DR!?), in summary they are - when your kids come running to you to tattle on a sibling, simply ask -

Is it dangerous or destructive?

Have you encouraged them to make a good choice?

I hope this technique is helpful to your family or at least a prompt to consider your own family approach to tattling :)

xx

'So then, let us always aim for those things that lead to peace and help strengthen one another' 

Roman 19.19

miles.tones - three months

My sweet son has hit Three Months and with that sails out of the newborn phase forever....

This little Bear is winning every award there is for 'Most Contented Baby'. He is just so happy, so chilled, so calm.... soothes this mama's soul, I tell you what! He is a source of joy and delight for our whole family.

Happy Three Months, Little Miles!

Routine

Miles is still on a three hour routine and doing well. He is still sleeping through the night almost always and napping in two hour blocks during the day. So he is pretty much up for an hour then down for two hours, though I am starting to stretch out his wake times a little to 60-75 minutes... or as much as he can handle cheerfully! Kid likes his sleep :)

Here is his current daily routine which I thought I would record before he extends it (now he is a grown up boy and no longer a newborn)! It is a guide, more or less, of course - he is not a robot!

7.30am - wake, feed, play
8.30am - nap
10.30am - wake, feed, play
11.30am - nap
1.30pm - wake, feed, play
2.30pm - nap
4.30pm - wake, feed, play
5.30pm - catnap
6pm - wake, feed, play
7/7.30pm - bedtime
9pm - dreamfeed
11pm - dreamfeed then sleeps till next morning... rinse and repeat!


Shortly, I am going to try to drop the 9pm dreamfeed and instead give him a top up feed about 7.30pm before he goes down to sleep, then just the 11pm dream feed and then letting him sleep overnight. Also, due to life with two older siblings, I often have to wake him by 10am to go out somewhere, so that brings the routine forward half an hour and we just adjust during the day, usually by lengthening the catnap.

Breastfeeding is going fine (except I got another mild dose of mastitis last week - ugh!). He is a fast feeder like his siblings, never more than 5-10 minutes!

Relaxing after working so hard to reach three months!

Miles.tones and More...

He is cooing, gurgling, smiling and really chuckling. I just adore hearing his gaspy little laugh, and when he catches my eye and bursts into a huge cheesy grin, it's simply magic. Every mother knows how charming it is to see your baby express such simple joy at this age! It is just gorgeous and the kids are loving being able to interact with him more and more. They take great pleasure and satisfaction in eliciting laughs and smiles, and Miles is a very long-suffering babe enduring their well-intentioned cuddles, tickles and so on.

He has started batting his little fists about over the last few weeks or so. Trying to touch things but not quite able to open his little fists and grasp them yet. (Well, actually he has just started doing that a bit just in the last couple days, but I will focus on the past month). A week or two ago, we had the cutest little time together. We were snuggling in my bed, lying down and looking at each other, and he was flailing his little fists about in my face for about 15 minutes! Getting pummeled in the face is not usually my idea of a good time, but coming from my sweet baby, it was pretty darn adorable! We were just staring at each other while his little fists bumped all over my face like fluttering butterflies - it felt like he was just wanted to explore and connect with me. Awww, bonding time. Love it.

He is such a contented little baby. He happily plays on his activity mat two or three times a day, just staring at the toys, batting his fists and laughing at himself in the mirror. He will merrily kick around there for 30-45 mins - such a blessing when I have the other two kiddos to chase after as well! I have also been reading a lot of Janet Lansbury's articles on the benefits of free play for babies (and children of course - I'm already a big fan of that!), and it has really encouraged me to see how babies enjoy learning about their world and exploring their growing skills independently (and in their own time - we don't need to push them!). I don't need to stimulate or get involved when he is happy playing independently. He is plenty capable of making his own fun - even at this age! With two doting older siblings and, of course, all my cuddles as well, there is plenty of snuggles and interaction, but I'm also happy to give him space too to just 'do his own thing' - I love observing him lost in his own world staring at a ceiling light or toy, laughing at himself in a mirror or just punching his little legs and arms around!

Yessssss, I'm three months old!

So those incredible first three months are now over. A little sad as it is admittedly one of my favourite phases, when they are so teeny and snuggly and new. No more newborns here... ever? It is a strange thing to recognise - the end of a precious era (she says as she eagerly gives away all the baby gear, haha).

It feels like he has always been here and yet it also seems to have flown by. Was it really only three months ago that we didn't even know this beautiful little person who is now so seamlessly a part of our family? Funny how that happens! Family life seems to have so easily adjusted around our newest member...  like it could never have been any other way.


Baby Miles, we love you so!




A little collage of three months with Miles...

teasing, siblings, making things right

Today as I was getting Eli up from his nap, he started asking for the toy mobile phone he had been playing with earlier (what can I say, the kid has a lot of calls to make!). Lily was hanging out in his room but then ran to her room and came back with a different toy phone. She stood in the door with it and I was half-expecting her to sweetly give it to her brother but instead she started jumping around in the door way, holding the phone to her ear and provocatively calling 'Look, Eli, I'm playing with my phone! I have a phone and I'm talking on it, Eli!!' and so on. Eli, of course, wept!

Umm.... 

Yes, I have to admit I was a bit surprised to see her act that way towards her little brother! Not typical of her at all and I was genuinely saddened to see her 'rubbing it in his face' like that.

'Oh, Lily' I said gently and motioned her to come sit on my lap (where I had been sitting on the floor wrangling Eli out of his sleeping bag). I snuggled her into my lap and said quietly and gravely 'It sounded like you were just teasing your brother. Do you know what teasing is?' She did not. 'Lily, teasing is laughing at someone else in an unkind way. Like you were saying you wanted Eli to feel sad because you had a phone and he didn't'. Her face dropped in horror and then wrinkled up into a wail '.... But I love my little brother!!!" she wept. 'I know you do, darling' I said, hugging her close. 'You love him so much, and that's why it's important to remember to treat him kindly like you would want to be treated - that's what Jesus wants us all to do'. She flung herself on her brother and cuddled him and apologised, sniffling all the while.

In our family, when a 'wrong' has been done against another family member, rather than just getting the kids to toss a sorry at the person they hurt, we often encourage them (after seeking forgiveness) to think of a way of 'making things right' - an act of restitution and kindness that shows the contrition in their heart and helps restore the relationship. In this case, as well as giving Eli her toy phone, Lily had the idea all on her own to draw him a picture. And so she did. Sweet girl! When she presented it to him, he squealed 'Oh, wow!!!!' in utter joy at such a masterpiece just for him. Lily gave him a huge cuddle and when she then wanted to give a second, Eli said plainly 'No, dat's nuff!'. But then he offered up a kiss instead. Ha!

Oh my heart!! Totally melted when I saw the picture Lily did for E.
Above their names, she said the marks say 'I love you, my little brother and
I will come to your birthday party cos you are two years old' Heehee!

Oh, children. I know these hurts and squabbles and issues are inevitable. Here in our home is a little training ground for a big wide world full of complicated relationships to come. Did I handle this situation perfectly? Eek - I don't know, I just did the best I could off the cuff and in that moment to reach the hearts of my children. They will fail each other, and us, just as we as parents will fail them. One of my goals in parenting these little people is just to skill them up in thinking about the messages they send each other with their words and actions and (importantly) to have the tools and humility to seek forgiveness and restore the relationship when they let each other down. Cos, hey, we are broken people and all hurt the ones we love. That's humanity for ya (thanking God for His grace!). If we can admit when we fail each other and be willing to make things right, I believe it goes a loooong way towards building and preserving strong relationships. That's love, grace, beauty and all that good stuff - in action! These are the things I want to build into the hearts of my children... one little block at a time.

Lily, I am so grateful for the tenderness, humility and kindness you showed towards your brother today! And your willingness to make things right after a little mis-step. God bless your precious heart and this most precious sibling relationship. 

Keeping Kids Safe // Everyone's Got a Bottom - Book Review

Lately I have been thinking about a topic preferably no parent should ever have to think about - protecting our children as best we can against sexual abuse.

I know.... ugh.

It makes my heart break and my skin crawl but unfortunately those feelings don't stop it being a reality in this broken world.

I have been doing some research on how best to talk to my kids about these subjects, what is age appropriate, what do they need to know to best keep them safe, and equip them without freaking them out, etc.

The best little online article on this topic that I came across that shares some information of what kids need to know and also at what ages is here. It is an easy and enlightening read, I highly recommend!

I, of course, have always taught my kids the correct words for private parts and also talked to them (well, it's mostly Lily at this age) about how they are private, and we don't touch other people's private parts or let people touch ours. But I wasn't sure how much further I needed to go and how explicit or 'warning' I needed to be - and my heart just cracked in two at the idea of seeing fear, confusion or a loss of innocence in my sweet girl's eyes. Horrendous to even think about. I'm not squeamish about talking about things that need to be talked about, but I hate the idea of robbing any joy or trust out of an innocent child. Ugh. This parenting gig can be hard!

I also felt torn because, much like the Free Range Kids philosophy, I don't want to cotton wool my kids, freak them out over unrealistic dangers or have them panic every time every time a stranger comes near. My kids have thus far never even met a stranger, as they consider every person they come across (whether dishwasher-delivery man or random dog-walker down the street) to be their new best friend who they want to introduce to their pet fish Greg, and do some colouring-in with. I love this! I want kids free to be kids! Happy, friendly, free to explore the world. And let's be honest, about 90% of abuse occurs by someone known to the family (yes.... shudder) so I don't want to overly teach the whole 'stranger danger' thing as it can be more detrimental than anything (hence they have phased this teaching out of schools now, thankfully).

Anyway.... I came across this quality Australian book called Everyone's Got a Bottom by Tess Rowley, put out by Queensland Family Planning and it came highly recommended (books available for kids on this topic are seemingly sparse) so I bought it and after pre-reading, read it to Lily tonight.





I have to say I was very happy with this book. It follows three kids (two brothers and a baby sister) learning about taking care of their bodies (brushing teeth etc) and talking about their body parts (using proper names) and which parts are private. They talk about how they have a family rule (because rules keep us safe) that no one has the right to see or touch those private parts or show us theirs, and if they do - that is rude and we should say no (even if it's someone we know and like), and we can always tell a grown up we trust if this happens. It has a running mantra throughout of 'From our head to our toes, we can say what goes'.

The book was frank, friendly and casual whilst also being specific and careful. It gave some great practical 'tools and rules' to kids and made me see that those basic guidelines are all kids really need at this age, there is no need to get into anything too explicit or scary - phew!

Lily enjoyed the book and I could tell she was intrigued by the subject matter. I tried to ask a few questions to gauge her understanding without giving the reading an air of ***important topic happening here***, if you know what I mean!! (Sure-fire way for kids to shut down!) We talked about who in our family has what body parts, and how God made our bodies so special and different. I asked her what she would do if someone asked to see her privates or showed her theirs and she gave a very emphatic 'No!! Please STOP!' (with hand held up!), I asked what she would do then 'Tell a grown up like Mummy and Daddy!'. Of course I pushed it by asking what she would do if they said she couldn't tell a grown up and she said very sweetly 'I'd ask - please can I tell a grown up?!'. Um!! It's a work in progress, anyway!

So then we had a chat about how no matter what someone else says, she can always tell Mummy and Daddy anything.... no matter what. We don't keep secrets in our family (only surprises which are nice things like parties and presents) and she can always talk to us, especially if someone makes her feel yukky inside or scared, or does something rude. She seemed satisfied with that and I was too - left it there for now, for fear of over doing it!

The book is aimed at ages 3-8 and has an excellent section in the back for adults on other ways to talk to kids, signs of abuse, and so on. If you are interested in purchasing a copy, the cheapest on line price I found was here.

I feel like the book will be a good resource and launching pad for conversation in our family. Just to read every now and then and open up discussion. Most of all, I aim for open, honest and frequent family conversation so that the kids know they can always talk to us about anything. This is obviously just the start of a life-long multi-faceted conversation. Of course we can't totally protect our kids (as much as want to!) but hopefully by giving them some tools about the rights they have over their body, to trust their instincts and to always know they can tell us anything, it will go some way towards equipping them in self-protection. And of course I fervently pray that these are skills they will never need to use.

Sharing is caring - please post below if you have any tips, advice, strategies or good book/internet/video resources!

Laundry Boy

I am big on kid's learning responsibility in our little home - from an early age I really want them to understand that everyone in the family can do their part (no matter how small) to contribute. We are a team and we all pitch in! Alas, this requires much patience and consistency from me!! Which I admit is not always as present as I would like, especially when little hands take so much longer to get the job done. However, I am committed to plugging away and try to look at the ever-ongoing household chores not just as tasks to be done, but as part of our rhythm of our days and it's ok if they sometimes get done in very fragmented and messy sections!

Hopefully the long term benefits will be worth it and just as I am (slowly!) learning that it is a blessing to serve my family by taking care of the home, I want my kids to be part of that too! I try to keep tasks fun, simple and not onerous. Thankfully at this age kids usually love to help out and I figure it's worth capturing this enthusiasm while it's there! Like so much of parenting, I find the kids easily rise to consistent and calm expectations, any lacking usually comes from my own inability to be consistent with them on a day to day basis... ah well, we try, right?!

Eli's first 'chore' is helping distribute the clean laundry to the various rooms of the house (Lily started with this too). His current system is hilarious and I managed to capture it today....

He runs to the bedroom I tell him to take his sweet-little-arms-filled-with-clothes to.... being only 19 months he doesn't always get this right, so I sometimes find a pile of clothes placed thoughtfully on the couch or in the kitchen, but oh well!

Stop for a photo...'Cheeese!'

(Sidenote: the horrendously grubby open wardrobe mirror that is flashing in the background is so streaky because Eli likes to stand in front of it and kiss it/himself. Eeep!)

 Toss the clothes in the door way (as the Laundry Fairy/Mummy later puts them into the drawers)

Run through the house clapping and shrieking 'Good Job!!!! Good Job!!!!' (which sounds like 'Goo Jahhhhhhh!)

With Eli's prowess at the washing line, hopefully it's only a couple more years before I can hand over the entire laundry routine to him?! (Ha!)

Yes, it's a pretty messy and drawn out system, but it turns the ever revolving door of laundry into a fun and active game and hopefully a learning opportunities for the littlies! I want to lay foundations for the gift of service, being an active and contributing member of our family and of course the often-monotonous-but-ever-essential-skills required to run a home.

Babysteps, right??

Yeah, it's Potty Time! // Early Toileting

In the interest of documenting the rhythm of our days, I could not resist sharing a photo of something that is taking up a large part of home life right now! While it's summer we are working towards Eli moving out of nappies/diapers full time. Among other benefits, our obsessive little book reader is enjoying the opportunity to read even more - in fact he often says he needs to go potty just as an excuse to read a few more books, cheeky boy!

His big sister was potty-trained at this same age (18months), but before having my second child I started hearing and researching about some different 'toilet training' concepts, and so Eli has been using the potty more-or-less consistently since he was a baby, using the principles of Elimination Communication (EC) and a fantastic book called Diaper Free Before Three by Jill M Lekovic M.D. which is kind of a middle ground between E.C. and the 'wait till they are 'ready' around 2-3-4 years' theory. It gives a fascinating history of potty training (Ummmm yes, I realise how tragic that sounds, and rather indicative of this phase of life but HEY these are the times, right?! But truly - fascinating!!) and also the science/medical/developmental side of things - for example I was amazed to learn that it's really only since disposables became prevelant in the 70's that people started delaying potty training to 2/3/4years - before then (and still currently in many other cultures) babies were regular 'nappy-free' by about 12-18 months or even earlier! Very interesting and so different to much of the current potty training philosophy.

I like the concept of EC (tuning into your baby's natural instincts) and have always been intrigued by it - and applaud the parents who are dedicated enough to take the time to tune into their child's natural cues - however I just wasn't committed or consistent enough to take him more than once or twice a day. The basic idea of Diaper Free (similar to EC) is that by making 'potty time' a regular part of a child's routine even from before a year old, they will learn through cues and their own instincts to 'release' at those times (rather than waiting till a full bladder and having to learning to 'hold on' if you know what I mean!). At 6 months old, Eli had a regular routine of sitting on the potty a couple times a day and 'producing' most of the time - but I wasn't ready to go nappy-free just yet!

Now the weather is warm and with the added bonus of our new home having non-carpeted floors, he is going nappy-free (and wearing super-cutey-patootie-underwear) most of the time we are at home now and hopefully will be full time nappy free pretty soon!? We are not brave enough for outings just yet! I am curious to see how it goes as he has been going potty since he was so tiny so has much more association and awareness about his body, but then he is a boy and while Lily got the hang of things pretty quickly at 18 months (led by her own interest and awareness!), you do often hear that boys generally take a bit longer. So we shall see how we go! Anyway, not feeling stressed about it, it's a learning process for them and a bit more effort for me being on top of things but just another stage to move through, right?! I really prefer potty-training before two though as I find it avoids much of the power struggle that can happen later and instead becomes something they really desire to do and their ability to catch on just amazes me.

Anyway. If you had told me five years ago I would have been interested enough in such a topic to read a 'history' on it, I would have shook my head in dismay, lol!! But with little kids, I guess it is something I am not just currently in the midst of, but have obviously had to think through and work on. I wanted to record my current thoughts and how we got to the approach that works for us. I feel I should probably add that this is just what has worked for us and the approach I wanted to take because it made sense to me (and I had the time and inclination to do it too) - I know all kids are different and so are their parents in terms of what approach feels right for them (also depending on time, energy, philosophy, etc!). So yeah, this is simply our take on toileting, no single 'right way' just like pretty much all aspects of parenting!!

But for now.... I am laughing daily at Eli carrying the potty through the house with him wherever he goes (this is just his own initiative, funny boy!), chuckling when he shouts 'Weeeweeee! KhiKhiKhi!!!' (this is his version of me saying 'quick quick' when trying to get him to the potty on time! Occasionally, sighing when cleaning up a wet spot, and smirking when he insists he needs to sit on the potty, when the three books in his hands indicates he is really just after a little reading time with Mummy! ;)

Oh and I really must give a shout out to his biggest cheerleader, Lily - she always gives him cheers and cuddles at every success and is constantly enquiring if he needs to use the facilities!! A couple of extra delights in this process are more reading time with my little man while he is sitting on the 'throne'.... and the pleased and proud look on his face when he has a success, usually giving himself a little cheer too!

Way to 'go', Little E!


PS For the updated post on this subject a few weeks later, click here. Things went very well :)