Teach kids to say more than just 'Sorry' // Five steps to a more meaningful apology

I don't know about your household, but around here, we are messing up on the regular. Hurt feelings, hurt toes, lost tempers and lost drink bottles. We try hard (sometimes more than others!?) but we also mess up...a lot. Grace and forgiveness is essential - and needed in abundance some days!

And you know what, that's ok! Tiring, but okay. Because home is the learning ground for life. It's where my children (and...ahem, the parents) fall and learn to get back up again. It's where the consequences are relatively small but the life lessons can be huge. Hopefully, it's a soft place to land before being jettisoned into that big, wide, sometimes scary, world.

And so. Where there are mistakes, there should also (hopefully) be apologies. Where there are intentional hurts, there should be apologies even more so! Because in our family, we believe in making things right. And we have found that there is so much more to apologising than just blurting out a blunt, perfunctory 'sorry'. Really apologising means saying sorry in a meaningful way. It means making things right (to the best of your ability) and restoring that precious relationship. It might mean talking things through or waiting some time before both parties are ready to make amends. But it's worth the wait and the work - because relationships matter. And in this family, we deal with problems, not just ignore them or sweep them under the rug.

When we make mistakes, the aim is to teach our kids how to really say sorry, how to really make amends with the other person, how to learn from the experience and restore the relationship. It may not happen all the time, because there is often a lot going on in family life, but generally we try to take this approach. And let's be honest, often multiple parties are in the wrong, so everyone needs to make amends!

Now, I feel like I have to stop here to insert something here. I know it's a movement in some parenting circles these days to never encourage a child to apologise. That just by modelling or osmosis, the child will naturally learn to apologise if they want to, and if they don't, then that's fine too and they can just carry on. Now, by all means, every parent can parent however they choose! I get the intention behind this philosophy (no forced and meaningless apologies). And I definitely agree in not using the totally 'old school' approach of forcing an obviously unapologetic child to resentfully blurt out the word 'sorry' (wringing it out like blood from a stone!!) with obviously no authenticity or remorse. That does nothing for anyone involved!

However, I personally feel like there is a middle ground.

When there is a wrong done, and particularly when there is a broken relationship, I think kids need to know - and learn - how to own that, and how to try to make things right. It might take some time, some talk, some reflection or cooling off time in a separate quiet space. But I think when kids understand what happened, and why it was wrong, they can be encouraged to make amends when they are ready to own it. And when a child is ready to apologise, as a parent you can help them make that apology more meaningful - both for them and for the other (wronged) party. So often, conflict ends with one child tossing out 'Sorry' and that's the end of it. There isn't time or process for reflection, thinking through or considering what went wrong, why it went wrong and what a better approach would be for next time. If we are going to fail (and we will!), why not at least try to learn something from it?!

I first learned about a detailed apology process in a parenting course my husband and I did many moons ago through Growing Families International. I was also drew from this fantastic article on 'A better way to say Sorry' a few years later that has similar steps too!

Over time, we have developed our own take on it with a five step process, a reminder of how to say sorry in a meaningful way. So many friends have seen my scrappy list blue-tacked on the kitchen cabinet and copied it down, so after many requests I am fiiiiinally putting it into a blog post!! And am even stretching myself to work out how to create a printable so you can put it up in your own homes if you like! :)

Now, this five step process doesn't need to followed literally every single time there is wrong done! Use your discretion. But it's a helpful way to slow down everyone involved in a conflict, and to consider what happened in a more meaningful way. And once it is ingrained, the intention can be there behind every apology, even if each literal five steps aren't followed.

My kids have now pretty much memorised these steps and often naturally go through them when they apologise - when I first put up my scrappy hand written poster, my youngest would lead me to the poster after an 'incident' and wait expectantly, haha! I guess they kinda like it ;) And just a couple nights ago, I had spoken to one of the kids about the disrespectful way they had said something to me. Then at bedtime, they peered up at me and said 'Mum, I'm sorry for being rude and I have just one question - do you forgive me?'. Totally unprompted!!! Melted my heart, I gotta admit!

And... needless to say.... these steps are useful for adults too! How many adults do we know who don't know how to say sorry in a meaningful way? And how many relationships are harmed as a result of a lack of humility and the ability to truly own a fault, apologise, restore and move forward? It's hard work but it is worth it. A lifetime's worth of worth it.

And so - here are the 5 steps to a more meaningful apology.

Download the FREE Printable here (my first time making a printable, so I hope this works!)

And here are the 5 steps again, broken down a little more and with a practical example. Often with younger kids, I will prompt them with the lead in phrase for each step, and let them finish the sentence.


How to really say 'Sorry'

Step 1: I am sorry for.... hitting you because you had a toy I wanted.

Prompts them to own what they did that was wrong.

Step 2: That was wrong because.... you got hurt and you cried. It's wrong to hit people because it hurts them.

Encourages them to think through WHY it was wrong. Often this will highlight they have no idea!!! 'I don't know why'. A chance to talk things through. This step is really about empathy building. They have to look at it from the other person's perspective. Honestly, it's fascinating to see kids work through this step, it is a huge learning process! Also a reminder that we need to be teaching our kids, not just expecting them to already know why right is right and wrong is wrong (we often assume they just know the 'why'!).

Step 3: Next time I will....ask nicely for a turn of the toy and wait.

Use positive language. Not what you won't do - what WILL you do? Often the initial response will be something like 'Next time I won't hit'. Um, ok, that's the easy answer. But the challenge is to think through what you will do instead next time - that's more meaningful and more likely to lead to change. You can really see blank stares and brains ticking over with this one, haha! It's a great process to go through - to think about what change they can own and plan for. Eg next time I will use my words and not my hands. Next time I will wait my turn patiently. 

Step 4: Will you forgive me?

This is a key step. Asking for forgiveness puts the power where it belongs - back with the victim, to bestow that forgiveness (or not!). Just saying 'sorry' keeps the power with the wrongdoer. They say 'sorry' but nothing is required from them (except for the wronged to say 'That's ok'?? Hmmm, think about that messaging!). To ask for forgiveness is definitely a lot more humbling than just saying 'Sorry' (trust me... or try it sometime, lol). But that's the whole point, right? When we do wrong against someone, it is so much more powerful to acknowledge that and give them the opportunity to grant forgiveness, rather than just tossing out a 'sorry' and moving on. The vulnerability of asking for forgiveness is often the key to restoration and reconciliation, it shows true remorse.

Step 5: What can I do to make things right or better? (Sibling asks for a hug)

Restitution is so important. It may not always be a necessary step for every situation. And the wronged party might not always want or be able to think of something, or there may not be an easy fix. If so, perhaps the wrong-doer can make a suggestion of what they can do to restore the relationship - but again, the wronged party gets to choose if that is what they want! Eg want a hug? I can draw you a picture, get you a drink, help you build the tower again, get your toy back. etc. This step doesn't always need to be included but it goes a long way towards restoring broken relationships. And if things have been broken or messed up etc, again, the responsibility is back on that child to make a real effort to put things back on track. When we make mistakes, we make an effort to make things right. This is a hugely important lesson for me to teach my kids!


Here is another example, this time from child to parent.

I am sorry for... lying to you about who ripped the book
That was wrong because.... telling lies is wrong and hurts people and means you can't trust me.
Next time I will... tell the truth, no matter what.
Will you forgive me? (yes!)
What can I do to make things right? (You can help fix the book with sticky tape).



I could go on but hopefully it makes sense! I hope this post is helpful and I have explained things somewhat clearly!?

I honestly feel like the skill (yes, it is a skill!) of being able to own your wrongs, and apologise in a meaningful, genuine way is of life long benefit. A gift I hope to give to my kids.

And let's be real. In our family we make a lot of mistakes. Life is messy and raw but if we can do our best to make things right when we mess up... that grace goes a long way.

Relationships matter. Let's do what we can to stay connected xx

Finding Balance in Healthy Eating // Dessert Night

Something tells me this teddy-bear jar is going to feature heavily in my kid's childhood memories, haha!

Friday night around here is 'dessert night'.

It kinda speaks for itself, I guess, and needless to say, is a pretty popular night on my kids' weekly calendar!

A couple of years ago we instituted the tradition of 'Friday Night Dessert Night'.  We try to eat pretty healthfully around here - I try to avoid refined sugar and processed food in my family's daily diet. However, as the kids (currently 5, 7 and 9) were getting older and more aware of all the food out there that their peers enjoy, bringing home lolly bags from parties and all of that, they started clamouring for  treats and desserts! What to do, what to do!? While I make a lot of healthy food treats (just ask my kids' school friends, apparently I am very well known for my healthy brownies and muffins, lollllll) the kids soon became familiar with the more sugary and processed alternatives. Whose idea was it to let them out of the house?! ;)

While we certainly talk a lot about good food and healthy eating habits and all of that (see this post on our general family food approach and tips for creating healthy eaters) I felt like total restrictions and putting a blanket ban on all junk food wasn't ultimately going to help with building a lifelong healthy relationship with food. Extreme restrictions might be more likely to lead to the kids going overboard on junk food either as teens or just whenever given opportunity out of my sight! Plus, I just didn't want to be so uptight ALL the time, it's not fun being the food police!! Even though I do what I gotta do for my kid's health, sometimes it's just fun to have a treat without over thinking it and while I want them to be conscious eaters, I also don't want them to get paranoid, know what I mean? Ha! It's a fine balance, huh? It's been really wonderful to see them learning to self-regulate and often stop eating a slice of sugary cake half way through, announcing 'My tummy says that's enough'. I wish my own tummy had always been so self-aware!!!

So, I try to follow a general 80/20 rule for our family. 80% whole and nourishing foods, 20% just eat whatever you want, no stress or guilt. Because life and food are also just for enjoying and celebrating and being in community too, you know? I don't want to be too uptight. Sometimes I feel we swing too far one way or the other but that's life, huh?! When we do, I just try to steer the family back on course without beating myself (or them, lol) up.

Anyway, back to Dessert Night!!

It works well for us because the kids know not to ask for junk food at any other time, but they also know they have a treat outlet once a week! It's a healthy (ha!) boundary for our family. So I am not a total killjoy who always says 'no' haha (last week when I served up ice-cream I did declare - 'see, I can be fun!!'). But also so that the treats don't become too pervasive in daily life. Yes, we still do party food, treats with friends at social events, ice creams etc when we are out occasionally too. But 'dessert night' helps us keep in a healthy routine at home and with our daily eating.

The kids know they aren't totally 'missing out' but they also appreciate and generally want to eat healthfully too. I hope it's the kind of pragmatic balanced approach and habit they might choose to keep up throughout their lives. I love that they are getting to know their own bodies and often times won't even eat all of their dessert before recognising they are full!

As for what we have? Sometimes I make something more elaborate, a proper dessert or even ice cream with sprinkles (or a healthy version of a 'treat' too which they usually love just as much!), but more often than not, the kids just want to select two items from the fabled 'lolly jar' where all the random sweets and chocolates from party bags etc get dumped. I sometimes try to do it Friday afternoon  rather than after dinner, gives the sugar more time to burn off ;)

So, that's 'our family way'. Certainly not the only or 'right' way to handle healthy eating in the home, but just sharing it as a strategy that is working well for us! It gives us balance. Not total restriction but not a free-for-all either!!! It sure does save a lot of negotiations too, the kids know not to debate it, if they want a treat they know when they can have it!

These family 'policies' work differently for every family or even in different seasons but this seems to be the 'sweet spot' (pun intended!) for us in finding a balanced approach to our family's healthy eating.

Now, I better go check the 'lolly jar' stocks!!! ;)

23.52 washing on the line and a little teamwork in the brotherhood

These brothers. 

They love each other, they have so much fun together, but they also tend to rile each other up quite a bit. 

One annoys the other, the other over reacts, and so it escalates into bickering, and on and on! 

Maybe that sounds familiar?! 

#siblinglife

On another note, the boys share a room and lately have been getting into the habit of putting barely-worn, still-clean clothes (like PJs worn for just one night or a hoodie they wore just for a couple hours) into the laundry hamper (and filthy clothes back into their wardrobes?!! Whyyyyy. Arghhhh). They definitely weren't intentionally trying to make more work or put it in the wrong place, but it was more just them rushing and not taking time to properly check their clothes (with perhaps a dash of laziness), which meant I was sorting through or laundering a lot of clean clothes. Ain't nobody got time for that!! ;) 

Even after several reminders and taking time to show them how to inspect their clothes, it still didn't seem to be sinking in. When I saw their hamper overflowing once more, I decided it was time for a more hands-on lesson. Not a punishment, but just a practical opportunity to experience how much work goes into a load of laundry and why we don't want to be washing clean clothes!

I told the boys they would be getting a chance to do a complete load of laundry by themselves. Eli and Lily have done this before (I often get them to do some of their own loads during the school holidays as it's just not practical right now for them to do all their washing during the school terms!). Miles hasn't done a full laundry process before (they usually just fold and put away clean clothes), so Eli eagerly got to show him the ropes in his best big brother style!

They took on the challenge with a great attitude, I am pleased to report.

Little hands carried the overflowing hamper to the laundry. Step-stools were fetched and feet clambered up. They sorted and piled their laundry into the machine, while perched on stools. They poured in the detergent and turned on the machine (the button pressing is of course the best bit).

When the chime rang an hour or so later, they had the mammoth task of pulling damp, heavy washing all out of the machine and into a basket. Then another mountain to climb - carrying that heavy basket of wet clothes outside to the clothes line, all the way at the back of the yard. I wasn't sure it was physically possible for them, but working together, they used all their muscles and got it out there. Strong boys, taking pleasure in working hard! 

Chairs were dragged out so they could reach the line, the intricacies of pegging well enough to keep heavy clothes hanging was investigated and eventually conquered. They were doing it all on their own, and they were doing wonderfully! Then things got tricky. The age old issue emerged of two people trying to peg clothes on a spinning washing line at the same time.... each trying to pull the Hills Hoist in their direction. Soon, the squabbling commenced. Uh-oh.

I had been lingering in the garden to ensure they got themselves sorted okay and safely on the chairs. As the bickering started over who was pulling the line in which direction before someone else was ready... I almost intervened but realised I had to let them work it through themselves. 

'You guys, you have a problem but I really think you can work this out together. You have a job to do and if you work as a team, it's going to be much more fun and get done much more quickly. I believe you can sort this out, why not talk about it to find a solution!'

And with that, I went back inside. To be honest, totally unsure how this would play out!! At first voiced were raised but then all was quiet. Then giggling and happy voices. Then ten minutes later, they came barrelling back inside, shrieking for me to come observe their handiwork. Out I came, where they proudly showed me a line full of (somewhat dubiously pegged, but I didn't mention that!) clothes on the line. 

They had done the job, they had worked together, they had worked through their issues and they were bursting with pride at a job well done!

And the next day, they faithfully unpegged it all and brought in to sort, fold and put away.

Phew.

The hoped-for side effect soon became apparent. They became more careful about considering what clothes needed to be washed and what could be put aside for another wear. (Sidenote: If you are the kind of home-keeper who washes towels after a single use or a hoodie after a single wear, you are probably judging me hard right now, lol!!!!!). But there has been an unexpected and wonderful other side effect too... since that opportunity to work on a project together and even work through conflict and resolve it in order to get the job done, their relationship has really blossomed and strengthened. There has been noticeably less (note, I am not saying zero!) squabbling and bickering, there has been a noticeable strengthening of their friendship. Better play together, more kindness and understanding, more team work and more enjoyment of each other.

I am so grateful. Yes, for the lessening of the laundry, but even more so, for the strengthening of their relationship. I tell them all the time that brothers can be your best friend and I really hope and pray it is true for them.

Of course, it's not a one-time-miracle-fix or 100% cure. Living with people is hard, siblings and spouses included, so conflict is an inevitable part of life together. Messy, imperfect, growing together in life. But these baby steps in the right direction are something to be celebrated. And particularly because a little challenge that I gave with one aim had an even richer benefit than I expected. 

I guess we are all just learning on the job xx

Project 52: A portrait of my family, once a week, every week, in 2017.

a letter-writing journal // staying connected with your kids

As our children grow and especially once they head off to school, it can be a little jarring to realise that they are becoming their own little people, with emerging private worlds of their own. It is a glorious thing of course.... we want them to be independent! But like most parents, I've also been really aware of wanting to keep those channels of communication open as they start to venture into the big wide world! Especially as these early years slowly but surely morphing into the tween years (and, like, 'tweens' didn't even exist when I was one, lol)... and then the teens. Eeeek...what a ride we have ahead!

I am not even sure now how this precious routine emerged. Something to do with a glut of beautiful little notebooks and a very eager little letter writer and pen pal. My eight year old daughter, Lily, is the kind of kid who pre-writes responses to her pen pal friends so as soon as a letter arrives she has one ready to send in reply. Ha!!!

So, about a year ago we began to write letters to each other in the pages of a journal. These notes were written 'in secret' then the book was surreptitiously placed under the pillow of the other person for them to discover. Often accompanied by a few eager and not-so-subtle hints of 'have you looked under your pillow lately??'

There has been a beautiful and gentle evolution to these letters, especially as her writing skills and stamina have improved over time and her desire grew to write more and more. Lily had the idea that we should ask each other a question in each letter, which we then answer, as well as writing about our day, our thoughts and anything that's happening in our family. It's even been a safe place to write about miscommunications and some hurt feelings. Sometimes, the journal has been passed back and forth several times in a day, other times a week or even a month can go by before it is delivered under a pillow again. Life gets in the way, you know! And that's okay.... the journal is there when we need it. Sometimes I need a few reminders before I get a chance to reply and sometimes I have to teasingly request a little return mail from my daughter too!

How fascinating it is to have a peek into her world, to hear about her favourite things and to be charmed by her questions and insights about life and family and her many dreams and big ideas. She is her own little person, and so utterly lovely to get to know. She is getting to know me too, in a different way (as a real person, not just a mother haha!), as we ask each other questions as friends do.

Right now she is an open book (no pun intended!) and I love how easily we can share our hearts. But in years to come, when emotions and hormones, peers and other influences pervade, my hope is that this simple little journal, and the trust we have established along the way, might provide an avenue to continue to openly communicate with each other through the written word, at times when speech may otherwise fail.

It's also been a bonus to have all our notes bound safely into one book rather than loose papers that often get waylaid... or is that just me?!  Best of all has been having a blossoming conversation with my daughter that I hope and pray will continue to evolve and mature over the years as we do the same.

Day by day, letter by letter, we grow together xx

how I stopped yelling at the kids // 2 steps that really help!!

I never used to be a 'yeller'. Before kids, definitely neverrrrrrrr. And even with one and two kids, I was never really tempted to yell at them. Cranky, tired, frustrated - sureeee. But I just wasn't a 'yeller'. #yet

(Please note, I also thought I was a very patient person before I had kids... ha!)

I can tell you when it started to change (unfortunately). When I was pregnant with my third little cherub, I once again experienced pretty severe hyperemesis (severe all-day all-pregnancy morning sickness). I did a lot of 'parenting from my bed' while my then four and two year old roamed around... because often I simply could *not* get up. And so I would be calling instructions, (please come here! stop touching that! get dressed!). Then, as my frustration with both my limitations and their childishness grew, the calling would morph to yelling and you know what... turns out yelling is a habit. And once you unleash it, it kinda turns into an outlet that is all too easy to keep justify using.

So, that was the beginning of giving myself permission to yell. Not a happy beginning or proud progression, I have to say! I've realised that often the yelling is provoked (still) by my own frustration at being unsure how to otherwise handle behaviour - or simply not having the energy/desire to handle it as I know I should - especially when rushing! Other 'causes' might be my annoyance at their childishness interrupting my other plans or simply 'kids being kids' somehow still being a surprise even after this many years of parenting!? ;) Really, these are excuses, not reasons, aren't they?

I wouldn't say I yelled daily or even usually weekly... (depending!!) but I also saw it was creeping up in me as an easier 'go to' response when I was really exasperated. Eeek :( But this isn't about counting how often I yelled or how often you yell and ranking it on any kind of scale! It's about challenging myself to step up to being the parent I want to be. And maybe sharing my story may encourage you too, if you also struggle with yelling. You are not alone! And it's a different story for everyone but we are all still mothers who want to do our best for our kids - that's the point, right? #hugsallround

I think we would all agree 'parenting by volume' is not the best technique! Far from it. Obviously, it hurts the hearts (and ears!) of our children. Aggressive behaviour is not how I want to teach my children nor how I want them to behave. And what kind of example is it, to show them such lack of self control, when we are trying to teach them those very skills? (And how much older are we?? Ahem).

Soooo, ten days ago, in the middle of the long summer school holidays and also in the midst of a pretty busy and stressful time for our family, when we, (the parents), had a lot of outside things going on distracting us from the children, I could tell I was too easily feeling 'disrupted/frustrated' just by them being kids. So, in the very worst time, it suddenly seemed like the very best time to set myself a 'no yelling/kind voices only' challenge.

And the key? Unlike all those other times I had told myself 'Never yell again! It's awful! Just don't do it!', I decided to 'set myself up for success' with two extra steps. A little advanced preparation makes all the difference when you are really determined to break a habit!


Two Steps to Help You Stop Yelling...


1) Set a DEFINED LENGTH TO YOUR CHALLENGE. This makes it feel much more achievable. I randomly chose 10 days! Which is quite a lot to be honest, maybe I should have set it shorter, haha! But once it was set, I was determined to meet my goal.

and

2) TELL THE KIDS. They sure keep you accountable!! Over breakfast one morning, my kids and I had a chat. It was a frank and honest talk about yelling. I had to humble myself to tell them I was sorry about how I had yelled in the past, why I didn't want to yell anymore and that I was going to work hard on stopping - with a 10 day goal. They immediately wanted to sign on for themselves too, haha! And were generally just sweet and excited and supportive. So I made a simple little sign for the wall and then every morning I would ask them if I had yelled the day before. You know, kids don't hold back, huh?? #brutalhonesty And how sweeeeeet it was when every morning they would answer 'no yelling!' and I got to cross that day off the chart... felt pretty proud, heehee :)

PS There was one day where they said 'Well, you weren't yelling but you were huffing a lot and being a bit harsh'. Oops.






The toughest thing to realise was, ironically, that it was not that hard. I guess what I had to admit to myself is that previously I was giving myself permission to yell. I was excusing it, justifying it, blaming it on the kid's behaviour rather than my own frustration, unrealistic expectations and simple lack of self control. Having three little sets of eyes on me, cheering me on and keeping me honest and accountable made a world of difference. Having a defined goal made it seem even more achievable - and makes the competitiveness kick in for yourself too! And being forced in those 'tempting situations' to pull up my parenting bootstraps and find other more effective (and mature!!) ways to deal with my children made me a better parent.

On the last day, my seven year old said to me 'Mummy, when this challenge is over, can we do it again? Another challenge? Again and again and again? Because it's so nice around the house with no yelling'. Ziinnnng. She is right. And I can only agree. Will I never yell again? I can't make promises like that and no doubt it's likely I will lapse again (I'm only human!!). I only hope that this little challenge reminds me that I actually do have the self control to not yell, and that I do not have to give myself permission to yell, instead I can aim higher, do better, be gentler. I can stop, bite my tongue, and choose another strategy rather than the 'easy way out', the 'quick release' of yelling. I feel like a cycle has been broken, a terribly hurtful downward spiral has been interrupted, and my earnest prayer is that it is broken for good. In its place I want to put new, more gentle and calm strategies that still set clear boundaries without the 'cheap cheat' of yelling to get results. Things I already know but too often chose to ignore in those 'white heat' moments!!


The peace in our home is a worthy result of this little experiment. Do I still get frustrated, exasperated and sometimes just downright angry with my kids? Yes, yes I do. Not bragging on that either... more things to work on!! And while I am learning to better control my responses, I will also be working on my heart. Ahhh, parenting. We are learning and growing right alongside our children, huh? I am all the more thankful for God's graciousness and my children's forgiveness as we walk this challenging but rewarding path of 'family' together.

xx Kate


PS If you want to take on a 'no yelling' challenge, there are heaps of great resources and websites around the internet. One of the very best I've found is the Orange Rhino blog. She even has a free app you can download, where you can set goals and even 'reminders' at certain challenging parts of the day. About half way through my challenge I downloaded this and it was great. I had a daily reminder at 4.30pm, lol!! Another gorgeous blog with lots of lovely idea for better connection with your kids is Handsfree Mama. Always really grounding and inspiring.

PPS If you enjoyed this post, feel free to hop on over to my Facebook page! It's a great little community for sharing parenting fun, fails and everything in between xx

sibling kindness: a simple activity to foster positive relationships!

While I'm sure all parents would like their children to co-exist in never ending peaceful harmony, the reality is that the home is the stomping ground of learning to negotiate ever-complex and often challenging human relationships. And with that comes.... yes, conflict! If even we as adults struggle to always peacefully exist alongside other people, it should be no surprise that our little humans may take time, encouragement, example and proactive teaching to learn to do the same. So yes, kids tend to squabble as they learn these skills and work out how to work things out. But I believe we can do more than simply leave them their own devices all throughout childhood, we can come alongside to encourage and 'skill them up' to find a better way to sort things out  - both with their siblings and other relationships now and in the future!

Lately, the sibling squabbles between my kiddos (in particular the two who are still at home!) had been slowly rising to the point where I decided we needed a circuit breaker. Something to remind the kids how precious their relationship is and how much nicer it is for everyone (including Mama's ears, haha) when we choose words of kindness instead of words (and attitudes) of entitlement! So, I sat the little guys down and we had a chat. About respect and the power of kindness. About the blessing it is to have siblings who can also be best friends - and how best friends should treat each other! We love each other but we don't always remember to show it, right?? But things can change if we change our focus.

I realised that as well as working through 'conflict resolution' techniques with the kids (once again... yeah, it is never a one time thing!), that it would help them to have a more visual reminder of the cumulative effect of their words and actions. It was pretty early one morning when it was looking like 'one of those days', so I decided to grab a bunch of pom poms from the craft cupboard and a glass and a vase... I just grabbed whatever was close at hand! I told the kids that whenever they chose to show love and kindness to each other, we would transfer a pom pom from the little glass to the big vase. They loved the idea of course! It's not a ground breakingly original technique (I've seen variations floating around the net!) but at that moment, it felt like just what we needed.

It worked so effectively! There was no reward or prize needed at the end when the vase was filled. It was more about creating a visual example and reminder of the effects of kindness, a way to acknowledge kindness in a simple but concrete way.  It highlighted the acts of sibling kindness between them and reminded them how good it feels to be kind and to think of others first. All of a sudden, they were looking for ways to be kind instead of looking for ways to drive their sibling crazy, haha. All of a sudden, they were remembering how much they loved each other and seeking ways to serve and bless. Woohoo!

It was really effective as a 'circuit breaker'! The boys were super keen to go OTT with acts of kindness and love to each other, haha!! I felt like this was really healing to their relationship, (as well as my ears and heart!). I have to be honest, it also felt refreshing and like a circuit breaker to me, to focus on the good, and be looking for all the moments of sweetness and kindness instead of just focusing on the negative and how the bickering was driving me rather batty. It changed the whole tone of our day! :) It helped us all as a family focus on seeking and acknowledging positive interactions!

And you know what? Kindness begets kindness, so since that little circuit breaker, there has been a lot more kindness (focusing on others) and a lot less squabbling (usually focusing on self!). Of course, issues still arise and we are still working on working through them (that's another post on how we approach that?!) but it's sure nice for all involved to be dealing with quite a few less. It's been helpful and refreshing to focus on spotting (and being!) the good rather than feeling so overwhelmed by the negative.

Since that day last week, we have left the containers out and while we don't always remember to transfer those pom poms for every single act of kindness, the kindness continues even when the pompoms are forgotten... though the kids remember more than me to gleefully exclaim that they spotted a kindness and so we transfer another pom pom!

You know what? Life isn't all pom poms, but when you focus on them a little more, it's amazing how many more there suddenly are :) 

Kidspot Top 100 Voices of 2015 // Who Me!?

This is like my face when I got the email from Kidspot ;)

Well, knock me down with a feather.

Like, SERIOUSLY. YOU COULD HAVE! I recently got an email telling me that someone had kindly nominated my blog, and from 3,000 entries, little ol' Living Loving Laughing blog was now a Kidspot Top 100 Finalist in the Voices of 2015.. In all of Australia....

Yeah. Colour me 'shocked'!!! To the point where I called my husband in and showed him the email, saying that surely someone had made a mistake!

Turns out... it was real. Heehee! So I thought I better share this on the actual BLOG in case you didn't hear me squealing all about the news on my Facebook page. What? You aren't on my Facebook page? Please feel free to hop on over and come hang out there, I share lots of interesting articles, community questions etc. Good times :)

Anyway, soooo grateful to Kidspot. It's such an unexpected honour to be part of the Top 100, especially alongside so many other wonderful blogs. Hop on over to their Voices of 2015 page and scroll around, because there are soooo many other delightful bloggers on there to discover! I feel rather humbled to be named amongst them, they are a clever bunch of cats, that's for sure. I really appreciate that Kidspot chose such a wide range of Aussie blogs to showcase - not just the big ones, you know? :)

And before I go, let me say a big thank youuuuuuu to all of you who read here. I just tinker along here in this little hobby blog of mine, I certainly never sought or expected any recognition like this but now that it's happened, I gotta say it's pretty lovely. Like a hug from the interwebz (awwww!).

Thanks again to Kidspot, and congrats to all the other 99 nominated blogs.... I will be busily clicking around discovering some more good ones tonight, I think :)

xx

why kids are like vegetables...

They grow....

Though you planted them, though you had some small part in their creation, it somehow still takes you by surprise. They flourish, unfurl... blossom. They emerge into something amazing and while yes, certainly, you watered and fertilised... you know you can't take full credit for their fruition.

They are just so incredible, huh??! You want to take photos every day and share them on Facebook!!! Look, everyone, look! Because yes, you are bursting with pride, but really it's more than that... it's marvel. Look... these amazing creations. They are so much more than the sum of their parts. They are so much more than the labour and love we pour into them. We 'blindly' plant and 'hopefully' water but it is God who gives their growth... and it is much more than we could ever have hoped or imagined.

You want to shout this wonder to the roof tops, you want to murmur it over and over in your heart of hearts... It's not pride, you know you can't take credit for all they have become. You want to just shout out an invitation to others - to marvel and wonder along side you..... look at these fascinating things! How did they become all this?!

Am I getting carried away here!? Ahem ;) Well, gardening can do that to a girl!!

You see, over the last year, I have become an eager (if somewhat clueless) owner of a kitchen garden. I plant things.... some fail, some thrive, it's all a bit of an experiment, but to my utter shock and amazement, I love it. Never thought I would say that about gardening.

I have been taken by surprise at how absolutely thrilling it is to see actual, real live, vegetables growing in my very own veggie patch. Sure, some wither and fade (*cough*raspeberries*cough*) but the ones that make it.... yowzers, I cannot believe how exciting it is!

Out there, amongst the dirt and the mulch, I couldn't help but be surprised at how satisfying it was to raise this little crop... humble though it is! That feeling of joy, satisfaction, pride but also gratitude and wonder... it felt like a lighter shade of how I feel about my kids. Now, I am not saying I love my zucchinis as much as my kids.... (or am I?! Ha!). But I kept asking myself, why am I so excited about this? Why do I want to talk to everyone about every garden picking? Why do I feel the urge to take a photo of every cherry tomato and share it on my Facebook page?!

Yes I am excited and 'proud' in a way... but honestly, I hardly feel like I can take credit for this crop. I really have no idea what I am doing it, I am kinda winging the whole venture, it's rather 'learn as you go'. I plant a seedling, I water (sporadically!) and fertilise (thanks, Chookies for your manure!)... but the result is honestly still a shock!! I can only marvel at the result... in a similar manner (just a glimmer of the depth of it) in which I marvel at my children. I nurture and train and discipline and pray... yet who they are - these amazing, individual, strong, quirky little people - is so much greater than what I invest in them. They are hardy and robust little creatures really, to stand up to my fumbling parenting! I can only gaze at them in wonder, thank God and yes... snap a photo to share on Facebook ;)

Whether in the garden or the home, that feeling of love, of joy in nurturing, of satisfaction in seeing them thrive, that wonder in seeing something grow and flourish.... it is the same privilege to watch a life emerge. It is a daily miracle that we get to witness up close.

So... that's why I think kids are like vegetables!! :)

My lovely readers, fellow parents and gardeners, let's continue to prepare the soil, to plant, to water, nurture and tend... Give it all you've got. Knowing we hardly know what we are doing, yet knowing that the 'produce' will be something far greater than the sum of its parts...something we can marvel in. Go ahead, enjoy your bounty of blessings! Watch them thrive before your very eyes xx


Just some musings from my kitchen garden :)

how to deal with tattling - with two simple phrases!

You hear it, don't you. At a certain age, it suddenly starts to emerge....

'Muuuuuuuum, ABC is doing XYZ!!!'

Now, our kiddos usually operate as a team so we didn't hear tattling for a good long while... but then 'suddenly' up it cropped. Um....how are we gonna handle this one?! My husband and I quickly realised we needed to think about an intentional and firm 'family policy' on how to handle this little thing known widely as....

Tattling.

When Sibling A tells the parents that Sibling B is (allegedly!) up to no good.

Why? Possibly because...

a) They hope to get them 'in trouble'
b) They are genuinely distressed/concerned about what is happening
c) They are taking too much responsibility for their sibling's behaviour
d) All of the above?!

So where does that leave the parents? Suddenly corralled into investigating all sorts of mischief that may or may not have happened as described. You obviously didn't witness the indiscretion, so it makes it rather tricky (and time consuming!) to get to the bottom of things.

And where does that leave the siblings? Split apart and ready to 'pounce and renounce' their beloved brother or sister in order to 'get them in trouble' or whatever the motive may be. Sometimes, yes, it's genuine distress, worry or dismay. But something doesn't feel right about kids running to 'tell' on their siblings throughout the day.

Tattling just doesn't seem like a good habit for our kids to get into, does it?

However, we don't like to tell our kids just what not to do - we want to give them strategies for dealing with these issues themselves.When a new issue crops, my hubby and I like to step back and chat about where we think the behaviour is coming from and how to best approach it. This helps us be intentional in our approach and working together with a 'game plan' tends to make us more consistent (ahhhh, the rub of parenting - consistency!). We thought about our goals for our children's relationship with each other. How we felt about behaviour that was 'not okay' going on in our home and us not knowing about it. How we also felt about being constantly pulled in to investigate and adjudicate over events we hadn't actually witnessed.

Some of the elements we wanted to consider for our family policy on 'tattling'... (dot points in an attempt to be brief!)...

• Just saying 'No tattling' didn't seem realistic. While we don't want our kids to tattle, there are situations we do need to know about... you know, for health and safety and burning houses and whatnot ;) 
• We want our kids to see themselves as a team. A sibling team: friends who look out for, support, protect and encourage each other - not bringing each other down. I want our kids to have each other's backs when launching into the big wide world. It is so important to me, to nurture those sibling bonds.
• We want our kids to want each other to make good choices, to hope for each other's best. 
• We do not want to be told about every minor misdemeanor and spend all day refereeing. They needed tools for dealing with things themselves.
• If our kids are making a bad choice and we are not aware of it, we've decided it's pretty much 'between them and God' if you know what I mean. I don't need to micromanage every misdeed. Any character issues will surely come to light at other times, in ways I personally witness. It's more important to us to nurture the sibling relationship than to pit them against each other as tiny power crazed police! If they are flicking the lights on and off or getting out of bed when asked not to, and I don't see it myself, that's ok. In the end, our parenting is about engaging our children's hearts and moral development long term, which unfolds in more ways than getting out of bed one time. 
• I DO want to be told about behaviour that is dangerous (harming or likely to harm themselves or others, like hitting siblings, preparing to jump from the top bunk or playing with matches) or destructive (harming property, like drawing on the walls or ripping up a book).
• We want our kids to understand that they cannot control the actions of other people and they are not responsible for other's bad choices. This is one of life's lessons it took me a loooong time to learn so I want to get this one in early! If they see someone making a bad choice, I want them to encourage them to make a better choice, but without feeling like they must control the other person or be responsible if they continue. I want them to know I don't hold them to account for that - even the older siblings.

We then came up with two simple phrases to help guide the kids and ourselves through a potential tattling situation. Of course, we sat the kids down first and talked with them about our expectations and explained what these phrases mean.

Sooooo -

When a child comes running to me saying 'Mum, Mum, ABC is....'

I calmly stop them and first ask 'Is it dangerous or destructive?' 

If yes, I immediately go and investigate and deal with as necessary.

If no, I ask 'Have you encouraged them to make a better choice?'

If 'No', I suggest they go and gently encourage their sibling (eg 'ABC, remember that Mum said to stay in bed!'. But I remind them that they can't force them and they are not responsible if their sibling chooses not to obey.

If 'Yes' - I say 'I am glad you are trying to help your sibling. That is a loving choice, helping them do the right thing. You don't have to control what they do, if they don't listen, they are responsible - not you.'

At this point their intention usually becomes clear. If perhaps they were hoping to throw their beloved sibling under the bus, (!!) they walk away realising that I'm not playing that game. If they seem genuinely distressed then it's an opportunity to comfort them and talk about choices and personal responsibility. We chat about using our words (and not our hands!) to encourage others to make good choices.

We can't police our children 24/7, even if we did want to... (a good time to insert the phrase 'Ain't nobody got time for that!' Haha!). We take our kid's character development extremely seriously as parents, but part of this is recognising that at the end of the day, parenting is not about controlling every behaviour but about reaching their hearts and helping transform the attitudes behind their behaviour.

This approach aims to preserve and encourage sibling bonds, to save our sanity, and to have a consistent 'line in the sand' about what issues we intervene in and those we won't. I don't want our kids to be tempted to be 'tattletales'. Our family policy is an intentional choice, knowing you have to win some and lose some. They say in parenting you pick your battles and we hope this is a case where we miss some minor battles in order to gain victory in a greater war - their hearts and their relationships.

The kids now know where we stand and feel empowered and also relieved (especially our oldest, who tends to feel responsible for her younger siblings behaviour, which is a burden too great for a kid to bear, I think!). Tattling is now at a minimum and we have a 'policy' in place to help guide us all when it does emerge. I am thankful to see the sibling bond continue to grow and strengthen as my kids encourage each other to make good choices, without being burdened to either 'tattle' or control others.

So, those two simple phrases? In case they got lost in my rambling (TL:DR!?), in summary they are - when your kids come running to you to tattle on a sibling, simply ask -

Is it dangerous or destructive?

Have you encouraged them to make a good choice?

I hope this technique is helpful to your family or at least a prompt to consider your own family approach to tattling :)

xx

'So then, let us always aim for those things that lead to peace and help strengthen one another' 

Roman 19.19