a certain season...

Joy is the view of my bedside table featuring this little artfully arranged floral display from Lily.
She brought them back from a walk and said they would make me feel happy when I'm sick.
They do.

I have been reflecting on how much life has dramatically changed for me lately. Life is usually so busy (for everyone, right?), full of commitments and appointments and catch ups and 'simply must-dos'... usually I have commitments about three or four nights a week and something on pretty much every day... a class with the kids, a playdate, a visit or some important errand, not to mention all the usual child and house and life stuff. And then - I got pregnant (yay!). And then I got sick...(not so yay) and as it turns out, this seems to be my roughest pregnancy yet. I haven't left the house (or even really my bed, or gotten dressed) in over a week.

Funny how life is full of so much busyness and importance and then you get sick and pretty much everything just falls to the wayside. Well, except the kids of course! I was thinking about writing about all this (from my bed!) but was going to say the only essential outing of the week is Lily's dance class cos... well, come hell or highwater, that girl has got to dance! So Eli had a sleepover at Nana's on Wednesday night and I had Lily on my own and thought - surely I can take her to class. I had had a pretty wretched night and morning but I tried to pace myself to get up and get myself dressed (what a novelty! proper clothes!) and of course prepare my little ballerina. It was tough. I was all vomity and dizzy and gasping for breath, as tragic and pathetic a figure as you could imagine. Crying out to God to just help me do this and frankly quite appalled at myself for not even having the energy for this very simple task. I just tried to press on - surely I could do this.

Then the phone rang... by God's providence in the midst of all this staggering around... it was my friend Kristin offering to take Lily to Questacon (awesome science museum) with her kids that morning. I told her thanks so much but I was taking her to dance class. To which her reply was something along the lines of - Are you a crazy woman, you can barely talk on the phone. Let me take her to Questacon and you can make up the class another time. And because you don't argue with Kristin, especially in the form of a rescuing angel, I reluctantly yet gratefully accepted. Lily was happy with the swap, assured that we would go to dance another day and excited to have a fun day with her friends.

Of course when Kristin arrived I bawled my eyes out on her shoulder as that is how I greet most people who come to the door these days (sorry in advance). Why the tears? Let's firstly blame the hormones shall we? Combined with grief over my lack of ability to do anything much less care for my children right now - I couldn't even get Lily to dance class!? I guess I am struggling to accept how limited I am right now. Gratitude for God's provision and for friends who absolutely insist on helping when I cannot help myself. So many swirling emotions... plus the swirling pain and nausea. All this results in tears, by the bucket load these days.

The love and support I have recieved from others is a whole other special post I am looking forward to writing, but the thing I am hearing over and over is to give myself a little grace. That this is just a season, that the children are resiliant, that it is good to let other's help me right now and that I just have to let go. All tough messages for a Mama who I guess kinda prided herself on being capable and fully engaged with her children. Humbling, heartbreaking, beautiful.

And so... these are quiet days. Dark days. Hard days. And yet... there are rays of light streaming through.... God's gentle love and kind compassion... friends and family stepping in, taking over, helping out... children who have been so gentle and understanding and caring of their poor ol' Mum... a devoted and loving husband. And the sweetest ray of sunshine... knowing all this suffering is not without gain, that through these trials a new life is being formed and created within me, a new baby to love and cherish for a whole life long. And in the tragic midst of friends losing much-wanted babies, or struggling to concieve, I don't want to complain or be ungrateful even for an instant for my lot. I know it is worth every moment and for that I am so crazy thankful. Yet I must also be real and say...these days are hard. Hard but worth it, and as I am refined by these trials, I pray my sweet little child within me continues to grow healthy and strong and ever so loved.