...and then there is reality

My two little conspiritors in toddler hijinks...

Yes, as much of my days are spent in bed right now, my little kiddies can often be found snuggled up with me there too...

As I shared yesterday, we are absolutely thrilled to be expecting our third baby. However the (only) down side is that I am, well, pretty sick. Me and pregnancy... we don't get along too well. I have very rough pregnancies and every one has so far been identical (whether boy or girl!)... five-ish months of relentless, 24/7 nausea and vomiting. Along the way this has been accompanied by such highlights as hospitalisation for dehydration and vomiting blood (from tearing my stomach lining) and this time around has the added bonus of bursting all the blood vessels around my eyes (from the intense vomiting). Oh yes, the tiny red lines really compliment my general green pallor nicely, giving my face a certain festive cheer, I hope?!

All this is easy to type but the days for sure are hard right now. I feel awful being able to barely parent my children. Barely able to do anything in fact. Lily is so compassionate and caring, constantly asking me how I am feeling. The other day I was literally staggering around in the kitchen trying to get lunch for the kids. How are you going Mum? she asked me kindly. Do you want to sit down for a rest and I can get the lunch? Dear reader, I must tell you that I immediately started crying at her beautiful albeit impossible offer.... such a sweet girl. She constantly asks me how I am feeling, with such simple devotion and concern, it is so heart-melting!

We knew it was likely I would be as sick as I have been for my previous pregnancies and tried to prepare and plan as much as possible to cope with this season... but when the reality hit me just how limited I was going to be in caring for my two busy little bees, I admit I felt (if possible) even more wretched that I already do. I know it's only a few months but I feel so sad in being hardly able to engage, play, teach, and care for them. All I can do is pray for God's grace and love to cover them during this period.

Many people have said to me that they were sure I would not want to endure another pregnancy after seeing what I have gone through previously but my thoughts are that these few months are really nothing compared to the life of another sweet child. I gladly and willingly go through this for the sake of this sweet baby... but of course it does get me down, feeling so sick all the time and most of all not being able to adequately care for my kids. It is tough.

Huge props must be given to my amazing husband. Really, while I am lying around being all pathetic and useless (I mean, except for growing a tiny human inside of me), he is the one carrying the load. Whilst having just started a new job and studying for upcoming Uni exams, he is also keeping the house running, coming home early, making dinner, doing laundry, looking after the kids and putting them to bed. Grocery shopping, running errands on lunchbreaks and more. And every time that I throw up (that he is home) - even when it's 3am - he gets me water and tissues, sits next to me and quietly rubs my back whilst I am sick, then empties the bucket while I collapse once again. He is a champion and an amazing man - I'm just so grateful for him caring for the whole family during this time. Sorry the burden has to fall so heavily on him, but grateful all the same.

Of course we read this book every night now!

OK, phew, I didn't want this to come across as a huge pity party or anything! I just wanted to keep it real about the realities of these days and this season. It is hard and it often seems insurmountable to make it through these next few months, but I know that step by step we will. By the grace of God and (I must add) by the loving and generous help already being extended by some incredibly dear friends who insist on delivering meals and helping to look after the kids. We would surely all be collapsed in a heap already without them - with the children no doubt running around naked and eating chocolate for breakfast or something!!

So yes... these days are tough right now. It is easy to tap away on this keyboard as a much needed distraction to my constant feelings of yukkiness, (I sleep a lot but can only sleep so much) and easy to even throw in a few !!!!!! to make me seem as peppy as ever... but the truth is these are hard days. So as for the blog.... I hope I can keep it going - when I can do so little for the kids I would love to do this. Typing a few words out each night while lying in bed is not the problem but getting any kind of creative photo might be. And of course I want to use my little energy towards them in real life rather than virtual, if it's a choice! So... I will do what I can and not beat myself up if I can't keep this up on a daily basis anymore. Perhaps I could even just type out a little anecdote from their day rather than a photo all the time... I mean, hey, it's my blog I can make the rules, right?! :)

No matter what, they find joy...

Sweet baby, when you read this some day.... I want you to know that I would go through all this a thousand times over just to hold you in my arms. You are worth every moment. We love you!